clare

2011-10-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

When will I ever have the courage to go on a day without you?
When will I ever stop depending on you so that I wouldn't get hurt?
I get hurt over and over again but why do I still try?
Why do I still feel this way no matter how much I hate you?
When will I ever give up?
I want to give up, I really do.

You can't touch me now, there's no feeling left
If you think I'm coming back, don't hold your breath.
What you did to me, boy I can't forget.
If you think I'm coming back, don't hold your breath.
One fact: I loved you too much.

2011-08-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful day with both my sisters today. It has been long since the three of us went out together. Either we are with my parent(s) or one of the sisters will be missing. Ever since my oldest sister (on the left) got married, and after my second sister (on the right) went to Germany, we haven't really spent time together.

Through this, I honestly feel that distance actually brings people closer. Those times when we still stayed together, I always felt that I didn't want to go home just cause I see my family members until I get sick and tired. Everyday after school, I will try my best to stay out until super late, then I will make my way home. Right now, I just want to stay at home and spend time more with my family than anybody else. And sisters' time is always the best.

Although I am contradicting my previous post, but I truly believe that no matter how angry I am with my second sister, the angry would not last.

I really hope and pray that we will have more sister time in the future. (:

2011-08-29T08:22:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd be happy when you're back home. I thought I could spend the time when you're home happily together with you. But I am feeling otherwise. I am honestly feeling kinda pissed off at you. After you went to Germany, you just changed so much. I didn't even know that you were so irresponsible.

People want to go out with you since you're back for your holidays. You agree and then you disagree almost immediately. The best part is that I have to do the dirty job to tell those people that we can't make it anymore because of your irresponsible actions. People purposely reserved a day JUST FOR YOU and you happily turn them down just before the appointment. If you're them, how would you feel?

You think other people don't have a life? C'mon, they have better things to do than to give up a day FOR YOU!

Stop being so damn irresponsible!

2011-08-25T08:33:00.000-07:00

When you're at your weakest, the people around you treat you the best. They are there for you, show you love and concern. But after you get out of darkness, they immediately become a totally different person from you. They start to be rude, and hurt your feelings like nobody's business.

True enough that after my treatment, I may be stronger. But that does not mean that you can go around and hurt my feelings like that. And what's more, you should be the one showing me love, care and concern with or without cancer!

Sometimes, simple words coming out from your mouth may seem like nothing to you. But have you ever thought about how the other party would feel? Do you even know how much it hurts to hear bad comments coming from someone you love?

After my sister came back and after I finished my treatment, everything is wrong. Everything changed.

Am I suppose to go through pain again just so that things would be like how they were?

2011-08-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

Starting Over

He’s all right

He’s all wrong

He’s a player

He’s a dog

He’s my friend

He’s my foe

I just can’t leave him

I can’t go

I got my reasons

I got my pride

I got these kids

We got these ties

Had this love

Had these dreams

Falling apart at the seams

He’s my man when we’re at home

And it can’t hurt if I don’t know

All his secrets all his lies

I just keep pushing ‘em out my mind

I wish that everybody would stop judging

Pointing fingers its cutting

My heart is broken

And no better, feeling so bad

I gotta make decisions

I’m strong but who am I kidding

I’ll be okay

But this love is tearing me in half

Nobody wants to be the one breaking up

I’m down on my knees and praying for his love

I’m in love

I’m still in love

I just don’t think that it’s enough

I can feel it getting colder

I’m afraid of starting over

He makes me feel like a child

He makes me happy when he smiles

He makes me sad

Makes me mad

Want to give him all I have

And I have tried to treat him good

Show support like I should

Did my part, he’s my heart

And I’ve been faithful from the start

He’s my man when we’re at home

And it can’t hurt if I don’t know

All his secrets all his lies

I just keep pushing ‘em out my mind

I wish that everybody would stop judging

Pointing fingers its cutting

My heart is broken

And no better, feeling so bad

I gotta make decisions

I’m strong but who am I kidding

I’ll be okay

But this love is tearing me in half

Nobody wants to be the one breaking up

I’m down on my knees and praying for his love

I’m in love

I’m still in love

I just don’t think that it’s enough

I can feel it getting colder

I’m afraid of starting over

To save this life

We built together

We need another chance

It’s like my whole life

And my existence

He holds in his hands

Nobody wants to be the one breaking up

I’m down on my knees and praying for his love

I’m in love

I’m still in love

I just don’t think that it’s enough

I can feel it getting colder

The time has come for starting over

2011-07-13T01:32:00.000-07:00

Before you continue reading this post, I suggest you go and watch this video first. Cause I will betalking about this video at the bottom. (:

http://youtu.be/EVSwyqoHUQY

I watched this video twice. Because when I watched it the first time, I could hardly hear what they were talking about. Until I used my headphones to watch it through.

While I was watching this video, my cat, Dusty, was walking around my legs, brushing herself against my legs and she even gave my left leg a little bite. And the more I watched this video, the more I just want to give her love.

While I was watching this video and looking at Dusty, I felt good that I have adopted her. Because if I didn't, and if nobody else adopts her, one day, she will have the exact fate as the animals seen in the video. Animals are creatures. They have feelings. Don't keep them just cause you find them cute and then neglect them and abuse them or do whatever bad thing you want to do to them.

They are created by God. And so are human beings. Imagine if you're them, being ill-treated and then being sent away to put to sleep. How will you feel? You may say that, oh they are just animals, they can't talk, maybe you'd even say they don't have feelings. True that they can't talk, but they definitely do have feelings. And they DO get stressed up too. If they don't have feelings, why when they are being put to sleep, they struggle? Why when abusers hit them, some fight back? Why sometimes cats or dogs have different forms of calling when they see, hear or smell something? If they don't have feelings, they will just stay there and let you do whatever you want with them. If they didn't have feelings, they would just probably sit there all day looking dazed.

As I was watching them put the animals to sleep in the video, I really wanted to cry. Those animals looks so adorable, so beautiful (especially the kitten). And yet, they are being put to sleep just because nobody wants them. Is that fair?

Sometimes I really wish that animal abusers would get an even heavier punishment. We should just make them crawl around like a dog and ask someone to push them around, slap them, kick them. Just to let them know how it really feels like.

It's really sad to know that in a day, so many animals are being put to sleep. Don't say Australia itself. How many countries are there in this world? How many animals? One day, our cute pets will just all get endangered. No more cute puppies, cats, hamsters, and all other adorable and beautiful creatures!

Have a heart.

They have feelings too.

2011-07-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

Falling in love could be the best thing someone has ever felt.
Falling in love could be the best thing someone is feeling now.
Falling in love could be the worst thing someone has ever felt.
Falling in love could be the worst thing someone is feeling now.
Love. It has many meanings. Many different definitions. Ask a 5 year old what love is, ask a 15 year old what love is, ask a 25 year old what love is, and ask a 50 year old what love is. You will definitely get all sorts of answers.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

This whole paragraph from the Bible will always be kept within my heart.

Love can bring us up. Love can bring us down.
Love is a strong feeling that many take for granted.
Some lasts till death do them apart.
Some love over and over again. Hurting over and over again and not giving up.

For me, love is a mystery. It happens when you least expect it. Love can happen any time, any day, any where. You will never know. Right now, I feel that love is the most painful feeling someone can feel. But if you found someone worth loving, it's the best feeling someone can feel. Whenever I see my parents, and very old couples together, there is just this feeling in my heart that I can never explain. And a smile will just get planted on my face. Especially those old and loving couples, walking slowly hand in hand. It's very sweet, and heart warming.

Sometimes I just wish I could fast forward just so that I can see who I will grow old with. But I know it's all in God's hands.

So, think about it. What's love to you?

Although we forget, it’s proven true

No matter your situation, there’s someone for you

Don’t just settle, not just anyone will do

The solution is finding, the one who loves you for you.

2011-06-02T23:45:00.000-07:00

I was browsing through pictures related to love. And most of it was sad, black and white and very negative. It gives you the impression that love is not a nice thing, it's sad and just something that we shouldn't feel because it brings hurt.

It's partly true and partly not true.

Many times, you may hear you friend complaining to you about how annoying their partner is. Being over-protective, being a bitch, she doesn't understand, he doesn't care...... Everybody have different personalities. And everyone changes. In the first place, you fell in love with your partner. And then later in the relationship, you'd bound to complain about them, somewhere, somehow. That's just how a relationship is. But what matters most is the bond have between both partners. He may seem like he doesn't care, she may seem over-protective, but what really matters most is love they have for each other.

People may say that love is hurtful. Well, that depends on how you see things. It depends on how you love the other party, and how the other part loves you. If there is trust, understanding and love, the relationship will work. If it's one sided, it obviously wouldn't work. And what matters most is, don't expect much from a relationship. The more you expect, the more heartbroken you will get. Expect the unexpected. Love with your heart, trust with your heart, and understand with your heart. Love comes from within.

Sometimes a break-up might not be bad. It may make you realize certain things. It may let you realize the you can find someone even better. It may even make you love even better. Or it may change you into another person that you'd never knew. Someone better, or someone worst, it's up to you. If you see a break-up on a positive note, you will soon realize that you deserve someone better. And you will eventually find someone better, someone who would appreciate you, love you for who you are and cherish you. Someone who'd eventually make you smile.

Take married couples for instant. They may fight, quarrel, cheat on each other but at the end of the day, they still go back to who they got married to. Why? It's because their love between each other is strong! Ever heard your mum or dad complaining about each other? I have. My mum is always telling me how much my dad has changed. Be it looks, or character. She even told me once that my Dad has changed so much that it seems like she has married a person she never knew. That is how bad it is. She said that although he has changed so much, she has to accept my dad for who he is. And I still see them being lovey to each other. Although sometimes when my mum gets so angry and calls him "idiot man", I know deep down in her heart, she still loves him. If not, I wouldn't be here.

Whether you want to see love as something good, or something bad, it's up to you.
Whether you want to see heartbreak as something good, or bad, it's up to you as well.
What matters most is yourself. Your heart. How you love, how much you trust and how much you understand. How much you can accept, and how much you can appreciate and cherish.

Accept changes.
Trust each other.
Understand each other.

2011-05-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be nice to you.

The more I want to be nice to you, the more sad I will feel.

The more I want to be nice to you, the more I will feel that you will take me for granted.

This time, I mean it.

I am really walking away this time.

Though in my heart I still want to do things for you, I am trying my very best to control myself not to.

Why do I still treat you this way, I will never understand.

But I know, I love you. And I have always did.

2011-05-27T01:36:00.001-07:00

"Friday, December 11, 2009

LoveLove, it's been awhile since i last blogged ! :D
Today seems to be a special day horh ! What is it ahh ? :O
*Ponders Ponders Ponders*
What is it, I still wonder my LoveLove... :O ?
*Thinks Real HARD*
AHHH ! Its our First month :D ! Since 111109 !
So this post is posted on 11.30pm... Bet you didn't know I would do this :D
I Love You LoveLove... :D !
Alot has happen during the month both Good & Bad my LoveLove.
But, deep in my heart
I'm still holding tight to you...
You'll walk by me
Not infront of me My LoveLove,
Not behind me My LoveLove
But, Side by Side with me,
We met each other at the crossroad of our lives,
and been through together in both Good&Bad times,
deciding to stretch out my hand,
and you willing to stretch out too to hold mine.
For I know I'm holding your hand tightly, walking the long journey we have
Never will I leave you to overcome the obstacles we faced in life.
For I know,
I'll be with you through it all.
"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love"
This is a quote from Mother Teresa.
LoveLove, i find the quote meaningful as it can relate to what I'll say.
Though we are one month old only,
But I've realised we've been through quite a few obstacles already,
I don't wanna mention it, for i don't want to talk about it.
You know, I know, No one else know it :D !
LoveLove for I've told you before.
"I'm a ROUGH BIG ROCK, that needs to be smoothened,
for I Know you'll be there to fill me with the nutrients that i need !"
LoveLove,
This i know is true,
whenever we face obstacles, we get even more stronger !
LoveLove ?
Will you be strong with me because i really want to be strong with you not alone ?
Will you let me be the one to love you more ?
Will you let me be your sunshine ?
Will you let me be your regenbogen ?
Will you let me be everything you want me to be ?
I Lov You
This is a day i will always want to remember :D !
111109 The day we've walked together !"

Do you remember all that you've said? Were those all lies? Did you really mean them? It seems like after you've had enough, you kick me away. That is really what you want? So be it.

What are words when you really don't mean them when you say them?
What are words if their only for good time then they're gone?
When it's love yeah you say them out loud those words
They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone.

2011-05-26T07:34:00.000-07:00

I'm missing you
Boy even though you're right here by my side
Cause lately it seems
The distance between us is growing too wide
I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over
It's theast thing I wanna hear

If your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it

You say that you love me
But baby sometimes you're just saying the words
If you've got something to tell me
Don't keep it inside
Let it be heard
I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over
Boy I'll make it easy for you

But if your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you'd ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your hearts not in it

How I wish I could take us back in time
But it's gone too far now we can't rewind
And there's nothing I can do to stop me losing you
I can't make you change your mind
If your heart's not in it

If your heart's not in it for real
please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone it's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of my I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it

Every relarionship starts with a promise saying "I'll never leave you" or "you'll never be replaced". But very few of thoes promises are being kept. I have had enough. I won't believe thoes promises made at the beginning anymore. I am not going to accept another relationship. I give up. I don't know how to love anymore. I won't believe anymore.

2011-05-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

Got venom dripping from my lips
Know who you're about to kiss
Think that you can handle it, boy, it's on
Just step into the danger zone
Shake it if you wanna roll, never bend,
Just take control, stakes are on

So sick, ill-equipped, gonna stick to a stick
I don't think that I can stop this
Pick it up, let it drop, be my cup, stir it up
Oh no, I'll never stop

That bad girl power I got, I'll abuse it tonight
Cause tonight got poison on my mind
That power I got, you'll be mine when I strive, feel alive
Got poison on my mind
I got that poison (uh huh), I got that poison (uh huh)
I got that poison, that poison on my mind
I got that poison (uh huh), I got that poison (uh huh)
I got that poison, that poison on my mind

So cool out, let her in the scene
Cause tonight I need you clean
My sexy little dirty scream, yeah, it's on
And then I get you in my stream, play it hard to be extreme
You're so cool, baby, you're so mean (Turn me on, turn me on)

So sick, ill-equipped, gonna stick to a stick
I don't think that I can stop this
Pick it up, let it drop, be my cup, stir it up
Oh no, I'll never stop

That bad girl power I got, I'll abuse it tonight
Cause tonight got poison on my mind
That power I got, you'll be mine when I strive, feel alive
Got poison on my mind
I got that poison (uh huh), I got that poison (uh huh)
I got that poison, that poison on my mind
I got that poison (uh huh), I got that poison (uh huh)
I got that poison, that poison on my mind

I got that poison, that poison, that poison
I'll make you fall in love with me
(Turn me on, turn me on)
I got that poison, that poison, that poison
I'll make you fall in love with me
(Turn me on, turn me on)

That bad girl power I got, I'll abuse it tonight
Got poison on my mind
That power I got, you'll be mine, feel alive
Got poison on my mind

That bad girl power I got, I'll abuse it tonight
Cause tonight got poison on my mind
That power I got, you'll be mine when I strive, feel alive
Got poison on my mind
I got that poison (uh huh), I got that poison (uh huh, uh huh)
Got poison on my mind
I got that poison (uh huh), I got that poison (uh huh, uh huh)
Got poison on my mind

I am in love with this song Poison by Nicole Scherzinger. Whenever I am down and I listen to this song, it somehow lifts my mood. Not really because of the lyrics, but more of the rhythm. If you haven't heard it, go listen to it. It's nice. :D

Broken Trust

2011-05-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

Ever seen shattered glass/mirror? Ever tried putting it back into place? Does it still look the same? Is it as pretty as before? Is every single piece there, or there are a few small pieces missing? What about the person trying to fix it back. Did he have any injuries? Minor cuts? Glass stuck in his flesh? Or finally gave up?

To me, trust is like that.
Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you try to trust some one's words, there is just this unexplainable feeling deep inside that you feel?
I have. And it is totally how I am feeling right now. Sometimes, someone can break the trust you have for him, not by lying, but by simple actions like not keeping to his words. Usually people's trust gets broken by a person constantly lying to him. But in other case, it's not about lies.

For me, I feel that if someone lies, and the trust gets broken, it is not as bad as someone not keeping to his words. But of course, the situation varies.

And don't you just hate it so much that you can put in so much trust into someone and it just gets shattered within seconds? They always say that it takes years to build up trust and seconds for it to break. I find it really true.

But sometimes on the other hand, the other part would try to fix back the trust that had been brokened. Like someone fixing back a shattered mirror. He may be able to succeed. But it will never be the same. Just imagine this: A nice piece of glass standing there on it's own shatters on the floor. Someone picks up the pieces and tries to put it back together. Will it look the same? Definately not. There will be lines, some pieces may be missing, and there may even be glue stains. Would the reflection still be the same?

Yes, you may say that it's the thought that counts. But ever realise how different things can be once you don't cherish it and take it for granted? I have learned the hard way not to put too much trust in people. Especially people you love. You may feel like Oh, I love him. So I have to trust him 100%. After what I have been through, I am not going to do that anymore. I am going to trust him, but not with my 100%. Because my trust have been brokened, and this time, I am going to protect myself. Protect myself from getting hurt, again.

You want to rebuild that trust, show me. Actions speak louder than words.
If you don't care, I wouldn't either. You did it, face the consequences. I have given you chances. We learn through the hard way. Without hardship, we will never learn. Never learn to cherish, to appreciate. If you think I am making things hard for you, then too bad. I was nice to you, I was understanding. Just that you didn't see it, you didn't notice. I always gave in, forgave you, gave you chances. You took it all for granted. Now you've set me free, don't expect me to be the same. And please, stop taking me for granted.

Incomplete Heart

2011-05-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

I believe the heart is just like a jigsaw puzzle when it is brokened. It may be in pieces, 300, 500, 1000, or 5000 pieces. All it takes is one very patient, loving, caring and careful person to fix up the entire picture. That person must definately be willing to do it as well, to get a good picture done up. It may take time. But at the end, when the picture is completed, the picture will not only look nice, the person who completed the picture will be happy as well.

I feel that every single broken heart will finally be placed back into place beautifully. Although you still can see the lines, at least it's completed. Back together again. It may never be as beautiful as the original picture, but it's the hard work put in that makes the difference.

Every heart is fragile, just like a complete jigsaw without glue. Once you drop it, all the pieces starts falling apart again. Just like a heart being brokened.

If you want to start putting the pieces together, don't stop. And after you have completed, don't stop there as well. Add the glue, so that the pieces will stay together, and make sure it stays together. Don't put the pieces together, without the glue, smash it on the floor again and let someone else do the job that you've once done. Because there is a limit to how many times someone will let his/her heart break. Once it has been brokened too many times, or broken into too many pieces, no one may be able to fix the picture back together again.

And this time, my heart has been brokened. Someone piece it back together, left the glue out and smashed it. I am not going to wait for someone to fix it back again, I am doing it myself this time. I have lost the meaning of love. I don't know how to love anymore, and I know for the time being (for as long as God knows), I won't love again. Love songs don't matter to me anymore, and I will just love myself, care for myself and enjoy single-hood (for as long as God knows).

Okay, the piano piece Kiss The Rain by Yiruma actually has a great impact on me. I downloaded the piano score cause I fell in love with it the first time I heard it. And I wanted to learn it. At that time when I downloaded it, I was actually still undergoing my treatment, hence nobody was teaching me piano (cause i stopped my school as well as piano lessons). I started trying it out on piano and I somehow found it quite hard to master. I wanted to give up until someone actually told me to play it. I promised him that I was master it for him. I was practising it almost everyday despite me feeling dizzy once I looked at any piano score. My head was heavy, my back was aching. Yet I didn't give up. I still continued practising it everyday trying my best to master it. When I was about to fully master it, everything crashed. All my efforts was wasted. Now whenever I listen to Kiss The Rain, two things come to my mind. 1) My cancer 2) The love I apparently took too seriously that made me lost the meaning of love.

Though it doesn't bring me very good memories, I still continue playing it on the piano whenever I can. I still like that piece and I will always play it with my heart. No matter what. Even if it brings tears to my eyes every single time I play it.

2011-05-15T01:28:00.000-07:00

Everything happens for a reason.

And sometimes, the more you run away from the past, the more it will haunt you in the future.

I find this very true.

I have always been running away from the past last time. And the pasts have always been haunting me. Sometimes I hurts so bad that I can't help it. But I know that we should always run away from problems. No matter how hard it is, we still have to face it. With all courage, with all hope and determination. Always remember that we are never alone through our darkest moments. Whether you feel alone or not, we are NOT alone.

2011-05-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

People always say that picture speaks a thousand words. I find that very true. And I know that every picture, there is story behind it. I love taking pictures and I love editing. Be it making them nicer, or just to enhance their colours. Photos to me are like memories. They capture a moment of your life that will always make you remember them. Both good and bad. They are memories that will remain. (:

2011-05-07T11:33:00.001-07:00

What have I done
I wish I could run
Aways from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world
Is on my shoulders

What can you do
When your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take
For me to get it right
To get it right

Can I start again
With my faith shaken
Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

What can you do
When your good isn't good enough
And all your touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take
For me to get it right

So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air and
Accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah I'll send out a wish
Yeah I'll send up a prayer
And finally someone will see
How much I care

2011-05-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

This is what majority of every child of a mother would say, "My mummy is the best mummy in the whole wide world!"

That is exactly how I feel. But I think saying it would be very cliche. So for a turn, I'd say everything I want to say at the bottom. :D

Without my mum, I wouldn't be who I am today.

Without my mum, I wouldn't have got through my treatment strongly.

Without my mum, I wouldn't know so many things.

Without my mum, I wouldn't have a smile on my face everyday.

Without my mum, I wouldn't wake up each day thinking I want to stay at home just so that I can spend time with her.

Without my mum, I wouldn't be the happiest daughter on Earth.

To you, my mum may seem like any other ordinary woman. She might just be a lady you see and don't even give her a second look. But to me, she is my everything. Her hair, her features, her touch, her hugs are all special to me. Nobody can ever give me the love she has for me. We can argue all day about who's mum is better but in my heart, I know she is the greatest of all the mums out there. That doesn't mean your mum is not great, but I am sure, every child loves their Mothers in their own way.

Without my mummy, I wouldn't know what I'd be. I can never live a day without her. One day away from home to me is like hell. People usually tell me that they miss their pillow, their comfortable bed and stuff like this, but in my heart, I know I miss my mummy. Although I miss all my soft toys sitting on my bed, but truly deep down in my heart, I really miss my mum.

During my treatment, she never fails to be there for me. My treatment is 4 hours long. She never fails to leave me (except for lunch). She will be there no matter what. Before my I start each treatment, you will find her holding onto and saying the rosary. It really warms my heart to know that she is praying for me. Sometimes when she falls asleep beside me on the very uncomfortable chair, I really want to cry at the thought that she doesn't even complain. Not even a single bit. She doesn't even say things like, "My butt aches." Or "My back hurts." She never ever complains when she is sitting there beside me while I am doing my 4 hours long treatment. Sometimes when the nurse is inserting the needle into my vein, I will feel like crying. Why? Because I will feel emotionally hurt. I will just have the thought that I want to give up. Cause the pain is overpowering. Not much of the physical pain, but the mental pain. But I will try my very very best to hold my tears in because I know that every tears that falls from my eye as I am sitting on the chair for my treatment, it would break my Mum's heart a million times. But sometimes I just can't help it and let it out. She will hold onto my hand as though telling me that everything will be alright. She always asks me to hold onto a rosary. She probably thinks that I cry is because of the physical pain. But it's more of the mental pain.

No Mother in the world will ever understand the pain my mum went through when she saw me going through my treatment. And I am sure, if she could, she would do the treatment for me. I mean, which mother would bare to see her child go through such a pain at such an age?

My Mother is brave and strong. Stronger and more brave than I am. She is my role model that I want to follow. That is how I actually went pass my treatment although many times I really felt like just opening my window and jump down the building.

Mummy, I love you and I will never ever want you to be replaced.

You're the best mum on this Earth and I know that nothing I do will ever repay the amount of love, care and concern you showered upon me during your life here with me on this Earth, especially during my chemo sessions.

I love you a lot mummy!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! :D

2011-05-05T06:48:00.000-07:00

It's times like this when I blame myself for having cancer.
Although the cancer cells are already being kept under control, I am still not fully recovered. I still have to go for scans because of my lung. The scan costs money and it cannot be subsidised from my father's MediSave.
It's times like this when I wish I could just go out to help my family earn money. Or just earn some money for my own expenses so that my parents do not need to pay for me. You have no idea how much money my parents have spent on me since I started treatment in June last year.

One of the scans even cost $1000++. That is the worst test of all. Others cost over a hundred. And I am not even done with all the tests.

People often tell me not to stress myself up over issues. But I just can't help it. I want to do well and do good next time but my parents just tells me to try my best in my studies. They don't expect much from me, they do not want me to stress myself up. Even the course with the lowest aggregate score (nursing), my mother don't even want me to go to that course. She said nursing is not easy, it's stressful. But seriously. In life, what isn't stressful?

Some people may tell me that I can be a piano teacher, it's like the easiest and most relaxing job. True, and not true. The road to becoming a good pianist is hard. Learning all the theory stuff as well as practical things. It's really not easy. But I want to get it done, and it's the only thing left that I can lean on.

Sometimes I really feel very bad for making my parents spend so much on me because of my cancer. Sometimes I even wonder whether throughout my treatment, have either of my parents regretted not aborting me. I know that is a silly thought. But really, if I didn't exists, it'd be so much easier for my parents. But I believe everything happens for a reason. (:

Haven't blogged in awhile and I have so many things in my mind. So many emotions running through my mind. Happy, sad, frustrated, etc. If I were to blog it all out, this post would never end.

I feel that my heart is very heavy. Like there is so many things that I want to say but I don't know where to start. I don't even know exactly what is in my mind or even in my heart.

I don't know the meaning of life anymore, I don't even know how to love anymore. Because of everything that is happening, I even had the thought of just marrying a rich man and forget about everything. Everything will be paid for, my parents would have an easy life, my dad can just retire now, my mum can finally be a taitai. I can do anything I want, get what I want and just enjoy life. But will I be happy? That depends on if I love that rich man and if he loves me. Haha, I am crazy eh. But seriously, I lost the meaning of everything.

I have died once. I should know the meaning of life, yet I don't.
I have loved once, and have been hurt. I should be stronger, yet I lost the meaning of love.

I'll never be the same. If we ever meet again.
Voglio avere la possibilità di amare di nuovo

2011-05-01T08:05:00.000-07:00

All these time I was wasting hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taken me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'd be fine again
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
You can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it worked each time before

You don't have to call anymore
I wont pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
You can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby like I did before
You're not sorry

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

2011-04-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

Pause for awhile and think. What do you classify cancer under?
When I mention cancer, most of you would probably think of all the negative things. Like death, chemotherapy, radiation, countless number of scans, etc.
But for me, I classify cancer under two categories. One is hell, and the other is a blessing in disguise.

Why do I classify cancer under hell is very simple. Obviously, cancer is not a good thing. Be it curable or not. The patient still has to undergo shit before he/she will be cured. Chemotherapy isn't easy. For me, being stuck to a ticking machine for four hours is like... I don't know. It is too horrible for me to find words to describe it. Not only is it hard, it is troublesome as well. Especially when you wanna go to the toilet. I always need people to help me. And I will always have this fear that one day the wires will get hooked onto something and the whole needle just comes out of my veins. But thank God it has never happened.

Chemotherapy is just evil. It kills so many body cells when the only cells you want to kill are the cancer cells. When I saw the amount of hair I was loosing, I was devastated. I mean come on, I am a girl. Appearance is like everything to a girl. And when I look in the mirror and saw how sick I looked, I really feel very sad. So many times I wanted to give up but I just told myself I cannot give up so easily. Just go on and on and on.

Why do I say cancer is a blessing in disguise then?
Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I was always looking ahead. I was always thinking what is going to happen in the future. But after I got my cancer, I told myself to slow down. My whole entire life slowed down and I realized so many things. O didn't know there were so many cancer patients in Singapore. I didn't know life could be so wonderful is you just stop and notice every single thing infront of you. I never knew how to cherish life. I always took things for granted. So many things. And if I didn't have this cancer, I wouldn't be who I am today. I am so much stronger. It even brought me closer to my family. And to open my eyes to so many things that ibwas ignorant to before.

Although during my treatment I always ask God why me, I still want to thank Him for giving me this cancer. Although now I still feel angry sometimes that because of this cancer, there are so many changes and troubles, I still want to thank Him for it. Because I know everything happens for a reason. Why God chose me to have this cancer? I am sure he has his reasons. And I truly believe that God will never ever give a problem that we cannot handle.

So when the going gets tough, remember other people out there who are suffering way more than you but accepting reality. Think about Jesus himself. How he suffered on the cross for all of us. Or if not, just remember me. Whatever it is, don't give up. Cause if there is a problem, there sure is a solution. :)

2011-04-29T07:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we have to run back to people who really knows us, just so to be aware that you're staying on track. On the right track.

Sometimes we just go on and on and on, thinking it's correct and we don't realise that we are changing for the worse. People who really know us are those that we have to turn to. If they say you're changing, believe them. It's your choice if you wanna stay on the wrong track, or go back to the right one.

Everything happens for a reason. Nobody is perfect. We won't stay in the right track forever. There are bound to be times when we just close our eyes and walk into the wrong track without knowing. Have you ever tried closing your eyes to walk? Try it.

Will you stay awake for me?
I don't want to miss anything.
I don't want to miss anything.
I will share the air I breathe.
I'll give you my heart on a string.
I just don't want to miss anything.

What do you do when your heart's in two places.
You feel great but you're torn inside.
You feel love but you just can't embrace it.
When you found the right one at the wrong time.

2011-04-27T08:28:00.000-07:00

I don't know who to trust anymore.

2011-04-25T07:39:00.000-07:00

I have never expected the people who are there for me in life now, to be there for me. Hmmm, understand this sentence? Looks kinda wrong to me. Haha!

Anyway, let's try again. The people in my life who are here for me, I never thought they'd be there. Better? Ah, whatever, you get the picture. Lol.

Well, sometimes we dress people up as angels. What do I mean by that? I believe everyone who comes into our lives, they are there for a reason. And God has put them into our lives for a reason. Some people stay, some people go. And yes, there is a reason why they leave as well. Some may betray, some may be truthful. Some may be annoying, some maybe really nice people. We all have different people in our lives. Back to the question. What do I mean by we dress people up as angels? God have given us angels, that's why we call them "God given angels". And who are these people? These people are the ones who will be there for you no matter what happens. Who will accept you for who you are, whether you're bad, good, ugly, pretty, fat, skinny, whatever. They will just accept you wholeheartedly.

And those "angels" that we dress up are those that we want them to be there for us, yet they are not there for us. We want these angels to be in our lives to be there for us like how our God given angels are. But time and time again, they disappoint us.

I realise this when I was halfway through my treatment. There were so many people in my life that I have been dressing them up as angels. I wanted them to be there, but they either turn away time and time again, or they just don't bother.

It was my sister who pointed this out to me. She told me to look around me, to realise who are the people really there for me. I may want to reach out to someone I am comfortable with, but what if that someone is a dressed up angel? We really have to open our eyes to see who are angels truly are. Whether you're comfortable with them or not, these God given angels are there in our lives FOR A REASON!

Throughout my treatment, when I slowed down my entire life, I have realised a lot of things. I have found who my real friends are, who are my dressed up angels, and who are my real God given angels.

Oh, sometimes, dressed up angels may not be people we dress up as angels as well. It may be people who care for the sake of caring, making you think that they are angels sent by God. But in actual fact, they are just asking for the sake of asking. I sound ungreateful huh. But think about it, I am sure in everyone's life, there are dressed up angels. Be it the first one I mentioned, or the second. Just stop whatever you're doing and scan through your line of friends, familes, etc.

Sometimes in life, we really have to slow down. Take things slowly, live day by day. But I know it's hard. I have been living day by day for almost half a year. Until I was back in school. Doing homework for tomorrow, studying for test next week, studying for exams at the end of the year. That is not living day by day. I remember when I was going through my treatment, all my mind was focused on was now, this very instant. I didn't care what happened a few seconds ago, and I don't even care about what's gonna happen tomorrow or the next moment. I take things as how they are. I sleep through the night, not bothering about the next day. But with our lives now, everyone working, studying, it's really impossible to slow down and live day by day. Well, that's life. We may not get the experience to live day by day, but at least try to make each day count.
1) Don't sleep with a heavy heart.
2) Sleep knowing that if tomorrow never comes, you won't regret anything.
3) Appreaciate and cherish everyone/everything around you.
4) Just be happy. :D

I know it's easier said than done but trust me. No harm trying. (:

2011-04-24T06:14:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter! :D

This year's Easter vigil was so special.

1) My nephew got baptised.

Watching my nephew get baptised was one of the greatest wish of my whole family. Since my sister got married to a man who is a non-catholic. When I was taking the video of the process of my nephew getting baptised, it really brought tears to my eyes. I was so happy. Although there were some unhappy parts (which I do not want to mention), everything happens for a reason. And I know that everything is in God's hands.

2) I am recovered from my cancer

Just last year, I went through Easter vigil like a normal girl. I was part of the cantor, singing and praising God happily at the corner. Little did I know, 2 months later, I was diagnosed with Lymphoma Cancer. Who would have thought what would happen in the future. Right? That's why, whenever we have the chance to do something, we should just do it. Cause we do not know what the future holds. Who knows, this could be our last Easter. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, one week from now, one month from now, or even one year from now? Nobody knows when the end of the world will come, nobody knows anything, only God.

Cherish whatever you have, appreciate whatever you have. Do not wait until you lose it then you learn how to cherish it. I know I have said this many times but I really do want to stress it.
Not only things in life, but people as well. Every single thing in your life, learn to cherish them. They are not there by chance. They are there for a reason.

But sometimes I feel that we don't get the chance to appreciate and cherish the people we have. Sometimes we want to do it but we just get pushed aside. It's sad. But that's life.

Okay, I shan't be emo. IT'S EASTER! LOL!

Whoever I have loved before, and whoever I am loving now, they will always be in my heart. I will always remember every single one of you, be it good memories or bad, they will always be remembered. (:

2011-04-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you're stuck,
Because the one that you love
Has pushed you away
And you can't deal with the pain
And now you're trying to fix me
Mend what he did
I'll find the piece that I'm missing
But I still miss him
Oh I miss him, I miss him, I'm missing him

And you're still sitting in the front row
Wanna be the first in line
Sitting by my window
Giving me all your time
You could be my hero
If only I could let go
But his love has still hit ne
Like a broken arrow
Like a broken arrow

He's the torn in my flesh
That I can't take out
He's stealing my breathe
When you're around
And now you're trying to convince me
He wasn't worth it
But you can't complete me
It's the thought that he's missing
I miss him, I'm missing him
Oh I miss him, I miss him, I'm missing him

And you're standing in the front row
Wanna be the first in line
Sitting by my windiw
Giving me all your time
You could be my hero
If only I could let go
But his love has still hit me
Like a broken arrow
Like a broken arrow

What to do
When your heart is in two places?
You feel great but you're torn inside
You feel love but you can't embrace it
When you found the right one at the wrong time

Love is not a game.
The heart is not a toy.
Once it is broken, it may not be able to love again.
Don't hurt others. For it may never heal ever again.
Past relationships always destroy future relationships..

2011-04-17T08:37:00.000-07:00

I don't want to go through everything alone. All I ever wanted was someone to be there with me to walk with me. I know that God is there. But it's not that I am asking too much, but sometimes you just need someone to be here for you physically so that you have an assurance that eveything is okay.

Everybody needs someone to be there with and for them. Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on. Even my daddy. Even though he has my mummy, he still needs me some times. Today he wasn't feeling well, I needed to support him. Not only my dad, but my mum as well. She has my dad but she also needs me around. My dad isn't home most of the time. And all I can do is to just accompany her as and when I can. Now that both my sisters aren't staying with us anymore, all the more I should accompany both my parents and to be there for them. I know that my parents are there for me as well but.. It's just different. A best friend, and a parent is totally different. Not everything you can tell your best friend, and not eveything you can tell your parents. It is just different and hard.

All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted was a simple way to get over you.
It will all get better in time.
I broke in two. You're barely missing me. I'm missing you and everything you do.
I will make it through the rain.
All I need is you.
Please tell me you'll stay.
I won't be sorry.
What the hell.

2011-04-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to say,
i don't know what to say,
anymore, cus it's all been said before.
And i don't know where you are;
all i know is you're far,
and you're not coming back.
If this is how it goes,
i tried but i dont know,

oh,

I don't know if i like it,
without you, without you, without you-
tell me- how am i supposed to make it,
without you, without you, without you?
Look at me crying tonight,
is this what its gon' be like?
I try and act like im fine, but i will never be right,
without you, without you, without you-
without you i don't know.

I'm not sure how to feel,
i'm not sure what is real,
anymore, cus i've never felt like this;
sometimes it hurts me so bad,
its the worst kind of sad,
and i cant live like that;
don't wanna be alone,
i tried but i don't know...

oh,

I don't know if i like it
without you, without you, without you;
tell me- how am i supposed to make it
witout you, without you, without you?
Look at me crying tonight,
is this what its gonna be like,
i try and act like im fine, but i will never be right,
without you, without you, without you
without you i don't know...

the one thing i do know
that im so sure of,
is with you gone im lost,
and im so confused i cant deal with it no more,
without you i cant see it, take this pain from me,
so i can make room for you,
cus you've been gone from me for too long...
i don't know,

I don't know if i like it
without you, without you, without you,
tell me- how am i supposed to make it
witout you, without you, without you?
Look at me crying tonight,
is this what its gon' be like?
i try and act like im fine, but i will never be right
without you, without you, without you-
without you i dont know.

Sometimes, when I face hardship, I will feel like giving up.
It's times like this when I wish I was still undergoing my painful treatment.
I know nothing lasts forever, both good and bad.
But it's just really hard for me to get back on my feet again.
I was down, I was trying to get up and then I get pushed down again, harder.
It's like you have been in coma for God knows how long and you just woke up and trying to get back on your feet again.
People say that "it's not going to be hard, but eventually you'll succeed." Who doesn't know that?
And people always say "no pain, no gain".

We all have to go through hardships. It's part and parcel of our lifes.
But everything comes to me all at once. Seriously? I mean, I thought hurdles in life were like, come and go come and go. But this is like, BOOM! all at one shot.
Who, tell me who can handle such things. Who wouldn't want to give up?

At least for *you, you could choose which you want to let go. At least *you could lighten up yor weights. And *you should know what you have given up totally on. But I can't. I can't let go any of it. If I let go one, I will just be a failure in everybody's eyes.

All I do is just pray for strength and courage to accept every single thing. It's hard. But I know I can make it through the rain. Somehow.

Accept, accept, accept!

2011-04-11T07:41:00.001-07:00

It's not the same
When I look into his eyes
The magic's not there
And when I look, I realize
What we could have shared.

I'm always gonna love you
If loving means forever
I'm always gonna want you
I don't think I could ever
Just forget the love we had.

It's not the same when
He's here in my arms
Or the smile in his face
Even though with all his charms
He can't take your place

I'm always gonna love you
If loving means forever
I'm always gonna want you
I don't think I could ever
Just forget the love we had

It's not the same
When I look in his eyes
The magic's not there
And when I look, I realize
What we could have shared.

We always say that everything happens for a reason. Be it good or bad. But what if we don't have the reason why something happened? Or what if the reasons we give are not the actual reason to why it happened?
I have always told myself to accept everything. Why? Because everything happens for a reason. But sometimes I just lie or sit in bed wondering why this and that happened. I may feel that I have the answer, but are the answers the right answers?

All I always have to do is accept to reality. Ever since my diagnosis, whatever I have been accepting are all hardships. Is this ta test fro God? Was cancer suppose to make me accept all hardships? Everything is turning it's back on me. I am not close to my friends anymore, the only person I can rely and talk to is myself. My school work isn't very good. Health is not any better. Financial problems. Emotional problems. I have said in ny previous post that I am not someone who is emo. But I can't deny the fact that I am emo at night. Not all the time but am usually emo at night. Why? It is becaue the night is so dark and quiet. All that is running through my mind are things that happened and why I am facing all these. Depression comes in at night.

All I can do now is keep faith strong. Once again, and always will accept whatever comes my way. Let the work of God run through each and everyday of my life.

Giddiness, lost of appetite, nausea, fatigue. It is like I am going through mini chemotherapy again.

2011-04-10T05:06:00.001-07:00

Places that I always wanted to go with you, I went with my friends.
Not only that, but I had so much fun.
I never fail to smile when I am with people I am comfortable with.
Honestly, I feel that you didn't give me the chance to get that comfortable feeling with you. I can't deny that in the beginning I did feel comfortable. But after you got into your new school, made new friends, you changed. I know people do change, and I have tried to accept your changes. But you did not give me the chance to make me feel comfortable with you all over again. I tried, you didn't give me the chance, it's okay. I give up.

Now that I am over you, I feel so much better. I realise so much more things. I can enjoy with my family (or rather with my parents), with my friends, and just feel so happy and free. Although sometimes I feel alone I know I will get used to that feeling sooner or later. I know that my mum, my dad, my sisters and all my other friends will always be there for me when I need them. And I know you wouldn't be there. So who cares anymore.

You have changed so much. Even people around you don't know you anymore. Even people find it hard to accept it. Sometimes we really have to slow down and look at ourselves in the mirror and reflect and just think back on the things that we have done, what have we become and who are we to other people.

Talking about looking in the mirror, when I look at myself in the mirror, I feel happy. I like the way I am (although sometimes I am upset about my physical appearance), I like being who I really am. I was out with my friend yesterday and I just realise what a happy girl I am. Being "emo" is not something that I do, and I do not enjoy being "emo". Although I know that people usually judge by appearance, what matters most is the heart. And it will always be the heart. God sees the heart, and not your appearance.

Do whatever you want during the time when you still can do it.
Appreciate whatever/whoever you have before it's gone.
Live life to the fullest.
Look back at past mistakes BUT learn from it.
Do not be someone you don't even recognise.
Be humble.
Be nice.
Be loving.
Be friendly.
Most importantly, think of others before yourself.

I like it how my parents always try to make me happy.
Ever since I was diagnosed with my cancer, they never fail to make me sad.
They always give in to me, make me happy. Be it shopping for just going for rounds in the car.
I know they love me. But sometimes I feel that I am taking them for granted. It seems that I know that they will get me whatever I want and I take advantage of that.

I was just talking to my mother a few days ago about me and my other two sisters. About money matter.
I asked my mum how I am like with money. She said that I am someone who saves. But when I want to buy things, I will buy. and I added on another thing, "sometimes after I get the thing I want, I will regret". My mum told me she is also like me.

I love my parents and I really do not want to take advantage of them, of my sickness. I know they truly care for me.
The only thing I can do for them is, study and learn my piano well. (:

Alright, red wine and chocolate cookies time! :D

2011-04-04T09:07:00.001-07:00

Today, my God's message from facebook is really very true. It says "On this day, God wants you to know that family is not a name for a group of people, but the quality of relationships between them. Relationships grounded in mutual love, trust, caring and forgivenes. In all the ups and all the downs of life. Look closely - Who is really your family, and who in truth are just strangers in for the ride?"

Through my treatment, I have realised many things. Who are those who really care, and who are those who care for the sake of caring. What do I mean caring for the sake of caring? Well, you'd just know. Some people just want to ask if you're ok for the sake of asking and when you think that they are the ones that is going to be there for you, they disappear the instant you need someone there for you the most. I am sure everyone has those kind of "friends". Sometimes, even if those people who don't go up to you and ask if you're okay, you'd naturally know that they care for you. And my family members are just a very good example. My parents never failed to stay by my side during my four hours of "hell". Both of them are always so tired and falling asleep. Sometimes my dad do not even have a proper place to sit that he has to stand, yes, for 4 hours. They'd only leave me for about an hour to go have lunch. When they are back, they will get food for me. Sometimes my mum would even feed me just cause it is not convinient for my right hand to move because of the needle. Whenever I need to go to the toilet, my mum will never fail to go with me. My sister, when she was back from Germany for two months, she always made me feel happy during my treatment. She'd always try ways and means to make me smile. But I will just be too weak to respond sometimes. And I do feel bad about that. There was once she even brought my little penguin toy and I didn't know about it. There was once she also brought my squeaky rubber duck along. But my mood and my weakness just makes it so hard to have fun with her. With this, even trading my entire life would not be enough to say "thank you" to them.

Not only my family memebers, but some of my ex-classmates as well. They put in the effort to make a "Get Well Soon" card for me. Which really did motivate me throughout my treatment. If it weren't for the card that I stuck to my wall, and the support from my family, I wouldn't know if I can actually go through my whole treatment. Many times I felt like giving up, and I always break down at the thought of giving up because I always tell myself that I have to do all those who care for me proud. I can't just give up because I know they will all be upset. I know everybody wanted me to get well again, so did I. That's why I could persevere all the way.

There is one thing that I really want to type out. And it is, what you see on the outside, may not be what is on the inside. In other words, don't judge a book by it's over. Someone may look like a very bad person, but you will never know his/her heart if you don't give youself that chance to get to know him/her.
A sign on the outside does not change the heart.

2011-04-03T02:12:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought about how someone's simple actions can change the thinking of a person? Or have you ever thought about how you words can affect someone's life? This is why, people always say, think before you do something. And think before you speak. Cause you'd never know how your wordsa and actions can change someone. The chorus of Good Girl Gone Bad is really true.
"Easy for a good girl to go bad
And once we're gone
There's belief we're gone forever
Don't be the reason, don't be the reason
You better learn how to treat us right
'Cause once a good girl goes bad
We die forever"

Yes, you may say it depends on how someone sees things, and it also depends on whether that someone wants to be a bad person. For me, in my current situation, I do things is to run away from a certain fact. I realise for the past two weeks, I have been running away. I haven't been facing up to reality. Last week, my sister as well as my nephew came over for the whole entire week. It made me keep my mind off things and not bother about my current situation. And because I thought I have already gotten over it, I made through this week by thinking that I have already gotten over the fact. But just last night, when I was listening to Jar Of Hearts, I somehow got reminded of the whole situation again. And I then realised that I have been running away. I felt so hurt last night, that I couldn't help it anymore and went to sleep. Thank God I could sleep. But I woke up still feeling a little upset. Why? Because nobody was home. Waking up alone is the worst thing on earth. But I now I will get through it. Somehow, one day..

Another song I am listening to over and over again :
"It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is
I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time"

2011-04-02T09:43:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had the urge to tell your parents something but you're either afraid or you just don't know how? Well, I am exactly feeling that way now. I want to tell them, yet I am scared. I have no idea what to do and how to open my mouth! Gosh. I am planning to tell my mother tomorrow. We'll see how things go. Hope I'd be able to sleep tonight. :/

I've heard this song months ago and I think it's a very nice song. I heart the cover done by Sam Tsui. It's called Jars Of Hearts. Here are the lyrics, I'd probably find the song and put in my blog as well. (: Enjoy!
I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

2011-04-01T07:39:00.000-07:00

Being in a place where you thought you'd never ever be. How does it feel like? Well, I was at a place today where I thought I'd never be. I was at a place where people smoke shisha. I was literally in a shop itself. Not just walking pass. Who never walked pass a shisha shop people. Being in there was definately weird. Oh! Before I go on, I have to say this - I DIDN'T SMOKE! My friend's friends were all smoking and well, the smell of it is sweet. But many people told me that it's much worse than a normal cigarette. I was really feeling uncomfortable when I was there. I wanted to leave like almost immdiately. It's weird how some nice friends can be "bad people". My friend is a really nice girl. But, she is full of vulgarities, smokes and stuff like that. But overall, she is really a very nice friend. Knew her since sec 1, which was 5 years ago. How time flies. Another thing I wanna blog about is, having chocolate chips in a normal cereal. What I am trying to say is, people who come and go, and make a difference in our lifes, are the chocolate chips (or whatever ingredients you like) and the normal people we see everything are the just the bowl of cereals. These chocolate chips are added into the cereal to spice up our lives so that our lives would not be so bland and boring. But there are difference in the choco chips that stays, and the choco chips that get gobble up and never be there ever again. Well, there was a choco chip in my bowl of cereal. This special choco chip really made me smile during my deepest and darkest time of my 17 years of life. The sad thing is, I didn't get to know this choco chip more. I didn't even know the choco chip's name. But oh well, as I said, not all choco chips stay. They either eventually gets gobbled up, if not, a lucky choco chip will always stay in your bowl of cereals. Most of the time, thoes choco chips won't stay. Or rather, they won't stay for long. That's the bad thing. Or maybe, sometimes you'd want a particular choco chip to stay, but it somehow just disappears. But whatever it is, everything happens for a reason. Which choco chip stays, which choco chip goes, we'd never know. Only God knows which choco chip can stay in our bowl. We will all just have to wait for a right choco chip, and make it stay in our bowl forever. Cherish whoever you have in your life before he/she goes. Not every body will stay. Not every body will be there for you forever. If you love someone, tell them today. If you don't have the chance to, at least it's in your heart. Don't regret whatever you have not done, and most importantly, whatever you've done.

2011-03-31T08:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought of what you'd do if you're gonna be on medication for the rest of your life? Well, I have. Although I am not going to be on medication for the rest of my life, but I know I will need to be on medication for as long as God knows. I very much want to be healthy and be like any other ordinary girl again. But time and time again, when I thought it is all over, something just have to happen.

I was at the hospital today for my lung test and x-ray. I was having so much fun with my mum while waiting for my turn that every anxiety and fear seems to go away for that very moment. But when it was time for me to see Doctore Puah, the fear comes back. Although the lung test is positive, I still have to be on medication because there are tiny white spots in my lung. Even the doctor does not know what it is. I will just have to follow the doctor's prescribtion and hopefully all thoes white spots will disappear.

Hearing the long and loud sighs from my dad whenever my mum tells him something bad about me really breaks my heart.
Seeing the sad look on my mum's face breaks my heart as well.
Will I ever be fully cured? Nobody knows. Only God.

So many appointments, so little time.
We all should cherish life. Do not wait for a sickness to come before you realise the importance of life and how precious it is. Treat each moment like it's your last. For you will never know what your future holds. Don't live in regret, just love yourself, love others and livr life to the fullest.

2011-03-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

"Mothers know best".
To me, this is very true. I was having a chat with my mum yesterday in the kitchen about the suffering of a child and a mother. Her words were all very true. Because obviously, she is my mum, and she knows best.
What's more, she watching her child (me), suffer for the past 6-7 months wasn't easy for her. I was feeling the physical and emotional pain, whereas my mum was feeling the mental pain. Although she doesn't feel the pain when the needle is being poked into my veins, but whenever I see her standing by me, looking away when the nurse insert the needle, she feels the pain in her heart.

Every time without fail, she will be holding the rosary. From the start when I am sitting on the chair waiting for my medicine, until she finishes the rosary (that'd be after the nurse finishes inserting the needles and starting the machine). Sometimes when I feel the pain and when I feel like crying, I will always try my very best to avoid looking at my mother. Because I know, in her heart, it hurts way more than how I am feeling.

Sometimes when I couldn't help it and let some tears fall, the touch of her comforting hand (as well as my dad and my sister), just makes me want to cry even more because I know deep down in my heart, I am weak. But because I wanna do them proud, I put on a strong front. Those tears that I let out are just merely those sorrows I have kept in my heart that overflowed.

My mum was telling me that, people came to her and tell her "you have to be strong." or "your daughter will get well." she knows the fact she has to be strong and that I will get well again. But the truth is, every one who talked to her will never ever know the hurt she is feeling in her heart because they have not experienced it before. Watching your own child suffer is the last thing a mother would want to see.

For me, although I am not a mother yet, but I know that if my child were to have to go through the same suffering I have been through, I would rather the sickness to be on me, than to watch my own child suffer.

But I can't deny that my mum was very strong and very brave to walk through that period of darkness with me. She didn't push me to do anything an she showed so much care and concern. The point when the doctor announced my cancer, all I heard was a huge sigh from her. That's all. I knew she was heartbrokened. Cause from the start, I knew she was praying and hoping that it wouldn't be lymphoma cancer. But as I believe, everything happens for a reason.

Mums are the greatest people on earth. She gave birth to you, she knows you best. Cherish and love her while you still can. Don't take her for granted as I believe, you will never realize the good things until it's gone.
Mummy, I love you. :)

2011-03-20T04:48:00.000-07:00

First day that I didn't message you at all for the whole entire day. I don't feel happy, in fact I am still sad about it. I know I have to slowly face up to reality, and this is just the first step I am taking. I hope I can be able to continue doing this. Although my heart still aches sometimes, I still have to face up to reality.

Right now, I seriously feel that I have split personalities.
When I am very sad, I will make up my mind to be a bad girl, to not bother about anything and carry on with life and just go with the flow. I will just want to sweep everything under the carpet and just not think about it. Even if it comes back to me twice harder, I don't care. I just want to get this year over and done with, finish my O's and carry on and screw my life.
But when I am not thinking about anything and when I am just too sad to think about anything, I will be a good girl and listen to everybody who is trying to help me and carry on happily with life. Face up to all the problems I am facing and get over it. But the more I think about it, I feel that the easier way out is to be the bad girl. I really don't know what to do anymore.

2011-03-19T09:15:00.000-07:00

Eagles are the only birds that use storms to lift them even higher. They wait for the winds to come and then soar.

The word tekton means "excellent" or "a master in your trade." Beth Jones Schall explains that each time Jesus is referred to as a cerpenter in Scripture, the word tekton is used in the Greek.

2011-03-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

The girl you once knew, the girl you once loved, will not be the same from now on.
You will not recognise her anymore, and you're not going to see her the way you knew her anymore.
She has made up her mind to screw up her life and just fuck every single shit. One person's actions can have a great and huge impact on someone's life. So thanks for changing her life, her heart, and her mind.

I.Do.Not.Care.ANYMORE.

2011-03-16T07:41:00.000-07:00

Everything feels like a nightmare. I thought I just woken up from a huge nightmare. But I fell into another nightmare. Why must this happen?
In the morning I feel horrible. At night, I feel worse. Before I sleep, I feel like I am doing to die. This is the worst nightmare I have ever had. I thought maybe it could last. I thought all your promises were real. All I ever wanted was to feel happy. That's all. THAT'S ALL. ):

I thought I could feel better/happier after my treatment, with you. I guess I was wrong. Very wrong.

I'll never be able to love again. I'll never be able to get into another relationship wholeheartedly again.

Everything I know about love
I learned from you, from you
And everything I know about pain
I learned from you, you

You were my only, you were my first
You showed me lonely, and you took me in when I was hurt
But the most important thing you ever gave me
Was the one that hurt the most

So thank you for the broken heart, oh yeah
And thank you for the permanent scar, oh
'Cause if it wasn’t for you, I might forget
How it feels to let go, and how it feels to get a brand new start
So thank you for the broken heart

I still remember when you called
And said that she didn’t mean anything
How could you expect me to look at you
The same way

You were my only but not my last
You showed me lonely, and you made me put you in the past
But the most important thing you ever gave me
Was the one that hurt the most

So thank you for the broken heart, oh yeah
And thank you for the permanent scar, oh
'Cause if it wasn’t for you, I might forget
How it feels to let go, and how it feels to get a brand new start
So thank you for the broken heart

And every time I find myself alone in pieces
I find myself
I’ll just remember when you hurt me and I made it

So thank you for the broken heart
And thank you for the permanent scar
Cause if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here
With the love of my life, all my pain disappear
I’ve come so far
So thank you for the broken heart

I thank you, I thank you
For the broken heart
Oh yeah oh, for the broken heart

I'll never have a broken heart again

2011-03-14T04:58:00.001-07:00

There are so many questions on my mind.
So many thoughts in my mind.
Some of those are good, some of those are bad. But most of my thoughts are negative.
Most of them is about leaving without you.
Just now as I was doing my piggy bank house, I was thinking about how I could do things to distract myself about you. I just wish I could really do without you in the long run.

I told many people that if you're not going to do anything soon, I will take that step. Whether you agree or not, I will just go with it. I can't do this anymore.

2011-03-13T08:25:00.001-07:00

Maybe I shouldn't try anymore.
Maybe this time I should really give up and not bother about it anymore.
Maybe this time I should love myself and carry on with my life.
I know I can find happiness somewhere else. And I know that I can still live on with life happily without you. If I try, I know I can.
I shouldn't let this affect me anymore. It's not worth it.

Someone once told me that if I do not let go, I can never receive what I am suppose to receive.
But sometimes I just feel that I can't do it, I can't do it without you. I hate that feeling.
I really do not know what to do. I want to let go, yet I can't bare to.
And when I want to let go, you'd come back to me, and when I do not want to let go, you're not there with me. You're somewhere else.

Maybe I shouldn't really care.

11 March

2011-03-11T02:04:00.000-08:00

The water is rough. The waves are high.
The wind is strong. There's a storm out there.
And if you get out of the boat - watever your boat might happen to be - there's a good chance you might sink. But if you don't get out of the boat, there's a guaranteed certainty that you will never walk on the water.

But, if you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat.

Everyday, life is full of decisions. And there comes to a point when the decisions you have to make, have heavy consequences to face. Which will you choose? How will you decide? It's all up to you.

2011-02-11T04:53:00.000-08:00

I Hate The Mornings
Because I Know What They Bring
You Get Up and Take A Shower
And In No Time You're Leaving
And It Sounds So Selfish
But I Can't Help But Think
That If You Knew How Much I Needed You
You'd Stay

'Cause I Hate Goodbyes
I Hate These Tears In My Eyes
I Hate Myself For The Way I Feel
About You Everytime
I've Had Enough
I'm Sick Of Wishing He Was
Around Me Everyday, Everynight
Its Way Too Much
I Hate Love, Yeahhh
I Hate Love, Yeah

I Hate Your Phone Calls
In The Middle Of The Day
'Cause All They Do Is Just Remind Me
That My Baby Is So Far Away
It Drives Me Crazy
'Cause I Need You With Me
I Know Its Hard For You To
Understand When I Say

That I Hate Goodbyes
I Hate These Tears In My Eyes
I Hate Myself For The Way I Feel
About You Everytime
I've Had Enough
I'm Sick Of Wishing He Was
Around Me Everyday, Every night
Its Way Too Much
I Hate Love

I Don't Want To Feel This Alone
(I Can't Help It)
Everytime You Walk Out The Door
I Start Missin' Ya
(I Can't Help It, No)
I Wish I Didn't Need You This Much
(I Can't Help It)
But I Love How It Feels
When We Touch

I Hate Goodbyes
I Hate These Tears In My Eyes
I Hate Myself For The Way I Feel
About You Everytime
I've Had Enough
I'm Sick Of Wishing He Was
Around Me Everyday, Everynight
Its Way Too Much
I Hate Goodbyes
I Hate These Tears In My Eyes
I Hate Myself For The Way I Feel
About You Everytime
I've Had Enough
I'm Sick Of Wishing He Was
Around Me Everyday, Everynight
Its Way Too Much

I Hate Love

2011-02-02T00:35:00.000-08:00

I like this song by Jay Chou! The song is at the side ->

稻香
Dao Xiang
Rice (Field) Fragrance

对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨
dui zhe ge shi jie ru guo ni you tai duo de bao yuan

If you have too many complaints about this world,

跌倒了就不敢继续往前走
die dao le jiu bu gan ji xu wang qian zou

You’ve fallen down and don’t dare to continue forward

为什么人要这么的脆弱堕落
wei shen me ren yao zhe me de cui ruo duo luo

Why must you become this weak, this degraded?

请你打开电视看看
qing ni da kai dian shi kan kan

Please turn on your TV and see

多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去
duo shao ren wei sheng ming zai nu li yong gan de zou xia qu

How many people are struggling to courageously go forward.

我们是不是该知足
wo men shi bu shi gai zhi zu

Shouldn’t we be contented with what we have?

珍惜一切就算没有拥有
zhen xi yi qie jiu suan mei you yong you

Cherish all even if you don’t possess it.

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡
hai ji de ni shuo jia shi wei yi de cheng bao

Still remember when you said home was your only palace.

随着稻香河流继续奔跑
sui zhe dao xiang he liu ji xu ben pao

Running through the fragrant rice fields and flowing rivers,

微微笑小时候的梦我知道
wei wei xiao xiao shi hou de meng wo zhi dao

Happily smiling, I know these childhood dreams.

不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑
bu yao ku rang ying huo chong dai zhe ni tao pao

Don’t cry. Let the fireflies take you away,

乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
xiang jian de ge yao yong yuan de yi kao

Leaning forever on the countryside´s ballad.

童年的纸飞机现在终于飞回我手里
tong nian de zhi fei ji xian zai zhong yu fei hui wo shou li

Childhood’s paper plane now flies into my hands.

所谓的那快乐
suo wei de na kuai le

That care-free happiness,

赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了
chi jiao zai tian li zhui qing ting zhui dao lei le

Barefooted in the fields chasing after dragonflies until tired out,

偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了谁在偷笑呢
tou zhai shui guo bei mi feng gei ding dao pa le shei zai tou xiao ne

Stealing fruits, making the bees sting until you are frightened. Who was laughing?

我靠着稻草人吹着风唱着歌睡着了
wo kao zhe dao cao ren chui a feng chang a ge shui zhe le

I fell asleep resting against the scarecrows blowing in the wind, singing songs.

哦哦午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆
wo wo wu hou ji ta zai chong ming zhong geng qing cui

Wo Wo In the afternoon the guitar is clearer in the midst of the bugs singing.

哦哦阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
wo wo yang guang sa zai lu shang jiu bu pa xin sui

Wo Wo Sunshine spills onto the street, making me not afraid of heartbreak.

珍惜一切就算没有拥有
zhen xi yi qie jiu suan mei you yong you

Cherish it all even if you don’t possess it.

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡
hai ji de ni shuo jia shi wei yi de cheng bao

Still remember when you said home was your only palace.

随着稻香河流继续奔跑
sui zhe dao xiang he liu ji xu ben pao

Running through the fragrant rice fields and flowing rivers,

微微笑小时候的梦我知道
wei wei xiao xiao shi hou de meng wo zhi dao

Happily smiling, I know these childhood dreams.

不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑
bu yao ku rang ying huo chong dai zhe ni tao pao

Don’t cry. Let the fireflies take you away,

乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
xiang jian de ge yao yong yuan de yi kao

Leaning forever on the countryside´s ballad.

回家吧回到最初的美好
hui jia ba hui dao zui chu de mei hao

Go back home. Go back to the initial perfection.

不要这么容易就想放弃就像我说的
bu yao zhe me rong yi jiu xiang fang qi jiu xiang wo shuo de

Don´t give up so easily. Just like I said,

追不到的梦想换个梦不就得了
zhui bu dao de meng xiang huan ge meng bu jiu de le

When you can’t catch one dream, just switch to another.

为自己的人生鲜艳上色
wei zi ji de ren sheng xian yan shang se

Give you life some color.

先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色
xian ba ai tu shang xi huan de yan se

First paint a color you like for love.

笑一个吧功成名就不是目的
xiao yi ge ba gong cheng ming jiu bu shi mu di

Smile a little. Rendering outstanding service and getting fame isn’t a goal.

让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义
rang zi ji kuai le kuai le zhe cai jiao zuo yi yi

Let yourself be happy. Being happy is called making your life meaning.

童年的纸飞机现在终于飞回我手里
tong nian de zhi fei ji xian zai zhong yu fei hui wo shou li

Childhood’s paper plane now flies into my hands.

所谓的那快乐
suo wei de na kuai le

That care-free happiness,

赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了
chi jiao zai tian li zhui qing ting zhui dao lei le

Barefooted in the fields chasing after dragonflies until tired out,

偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了谁在偷笑呢
tou zhai shui guo bei mi feng gei ding dao pa le shei zai tou xiao ne

Stealing fruits, making the bees sting until you are frightened. Who was laughing?

我靠着稻草人吹着风唱着歌睡着了
wo kao zhe dao cao ren chui a feng chang a ge shui zhe le

I fell asleep resting against the scarecrows blowing in the wind, singing songs.

哦哦午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆
wo wo wu hou ji ta zai chong ming zhong geng qing cui

Wo Wo In the afternoon the guitar is clearer in the midst of the bugs singing.

哦哦阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
wo wo yang guang sa zai lu shang jiu bu pa xin sui

Wo Wo Sunshine spills onto the street, making me not afraid of heartbreak.

珍惜一切就算没有拥有
zhen xi yi qie jiu suan mei you yong you

Cherish it all even if you don’t possess it.

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡
hai ji de ni shuo jia shi wei yi de cheng bao

Still remember when you said home was your only palace.

随着稻香河流继续奔跑
sui zhe dao xiang he liu ji xu ben pao

Running through the fragrant rice fields and flowing rivers,

微微笑小时候的梦我知道
wei wei xiao xiao shi hou de meng wo zhi dao

Happily smiling, I know these childhood dreams.

不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑
bu yao ku rang ying huo chong dai zhe ni tao pao

Don’t cry. Let the fireflies take you away,

乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
xiang jian de ge yao yong yuan de yi kao

Leaning forever on the countryside´s ballad.

回家吧回到最初的美好
hui jia ba hui dao zui chu de mei hao

Go back home. Go back to the initial perfection.

2011-01-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder why am I doing so much for you. What do I have in return? Nothing, or maybe, hurt. The more I give, the more hurt I receive. I just want to know why things have become the way it is. It's painful.

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose, you can't have everything
Don't you take chances, you might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain 'cause love won't set you free
I could stand by the side and watch this life pass me by
So unhappy, but safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
My feet run out of ground?
I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
'Cause I'm just trying to be happy
Just wanna be happy

Holding on tightly, just can't let it go
Just trying to play my rold, slowly disappear
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names, get me out of here
But I can't stand by your side
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
My feet run out of ground?
I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
'Cause I'm just trying to be happy

So any turns that I can't see
Like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim, don't say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
My feet run out of ground?
I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
I just wanna be happy

2011-01-06T09:46:00.001-08:00

Our seperation has it's faults
But I don't wanna leave it all
So write the letters in teary ink
I just need some time to think
And I just need some time to breathe

Baby just say goodnight
I'll be gone tomorrow
Baby just close your eyes
I can't take the sorrow
Baby just walk away
You know I can't stay
There's no easy way to say goodbye
So baby just say goodnight

We're in a spell that never ends
The empty hourglass wore me thin
So let the phone do it's work
Your voice is heaven
But it hurts
Your words are memories
But they burn

Baby just say goodnight
I'll be gone tomorrow
Baby just close your eyes
I can't take the sorrow
Baby just walk away
You know I can't stay
There's no easy way to say goodbye
So baby just say goodnight

Baby don't say goodbye
Baby just close your eyes
And dream,tomorrow's on it's way
So just walk away

Baby just say goodnight
I'll be gone tomorrow
Baby just close your eyes
I can't take the sorrow
Baby just walk away
You know I can't stay
There's no easy way to say goodbye
So baby just say goodnight

Baby just say goodnight

2010-12-23T06:52:00.000-08:00

A girl named Chiara Luce Badano is really a great inspiration for me. My teacher pointed her out to me after complaining the worst part of chemo on my facebook status. And these few parts of her biography really catches my eyes.

At 17 she felt a sharp pain in her shoulder while playing tennis. The doctors didn’t like it and sent her for tests. Soon she received the news that she had bone cancer. In February 1989 she had her first surgery. There was little hope to eradicate the cancer. The other Gen and friends of the Focolare took turns at the hospital to support Chiara and her family. A series of stays at Turin’s hospital began, with more and more frequent hospitalizations.

The treatment was very painful but Chiara underwent it with great courage. Each time there was a new, painful “surprise,” Chiara offered it without hesitation: “It’s for you, Jesus; if you want it, I want it, too.”

Soon she lost the use of her legs. She underwent a new painful surgery but it proved unsuccessful. Her union with Jesus Forsaken, who on the cross did not feel the comforting presence of the Father, supported her in her toughest moments. She said, “If they now asked me if I want to walk I’d say no, because this way I’m closer to Jesus.”

Her doctor, a man who didn’t believe in God and was critical of the Church, will say: “Since I met Chiara something has changed inside me. Here I find consistency. Everything about Christianity I see here makes sense to me.”

In a moment of particularly harrowing physical pain she confided to her mother that she was singing, “Here I am Jesus, today in front of you…” She knew that soon she would be able to meet him and was getting ready.

One morning, after a difficult night, it came to her to say at short intervals, “Come, Lord Jesus.” At 11, unexpectedly, a priest of the Movement came to visit her. Chiara Luce was extraordinarily happy: since she woke up she had felt a great desire to receive Jesus in the Eucharist.

Chiara Luce went to Heaven on October 7, 1990. She had thought of everything: the songs for her funeral, the flowers, her hair style, her dress (white, like a bride’s)… with a special request: “Mom, while you are preparing me, you will have to repeat all the time: now Chiara Luce is seeing Jesus.” When her father asked her if she was still willing to donate her corneas, she replied with a luminous smile. Then she said goodbye to her mother for the last time: “Be happy, because I am.” She smiled at her dad. The funeral was celebrated by the bishop of her

dioceses and attended by hundreds and hundreds of young people and many priests. Members of the Gen Rosso and Gen Verde (Focolare performing arts groups) performed the songs she asked. Her parents received a large bunch of flowers from Chiara Lubich with this note: “Let’s thank God for this luminous masterpiece of his.”

If you want to read more about her, http://www.focolare.org/layout/edit/file/Chiara%20Badano%20Press%20Release%20bio_edited2(1).pdf

2010-12-14T07:17:00.000-08:00

Tried to take a picture
Of love
Didn't think I'd miss her
That much
I want to fill this new frame
But its empty

Tried to write a letter
In ink
Its been getting better
I think
I got a piece of paper
But its empty
Its empty

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty

And I've even wondered
If we
Should be getting under
These sheets
We could lie in this bed
But its empty
Its empty

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty

Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty

We're empty
We're empty

Or will we end up getting hurt
Is this love a myth
So tell me are you in for this
There's so much more than we can see
More than you
More than me
It takes two to believe!

Maybe it's our first mistake
And baby that's alright
It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight
Maybe it's our first mistake
And baby that's alright
It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight
There's a reason why they say that we should give it time
But time is not enough
And that's the reason why when you're young you fall in love

And that's the reason why
When you're young you fall in love

2010-12-12T08:13:00.000-08:00

Right now sitting on my bed and typing this post isn't easy for me. I woke up around 1pm this afternoon as I was really feeling very restless. I woke up knowing that today and the next few days aren't going to be easy for me. Once I woke up, my tummy started feeling weird. It is the same feeling I get every time after 5 days of my dosage. I will feel that my body aches are coming, as well as my bloated tummy and very very swollen body. The medicine takes awhile before it really has an effect on the body, and I really hate it.

And obviously, nobody would understand my situation because nobody has been through what I am going through before. And I really hate it when my family members see me lying on my bed or on the sofa, they will assume that I am lazy and I do not want to do anything. And I also get the fact that I have put on a lot of weight since day one. You don't have to rub it into my face sayin that I am lazy and I do not want to exercise. Do you actually hear me say I do not want to exercise? I'd probably say no is because how the heck do you want me to exercise when I am already feeling so horrible and with a bloated stomach which causes my head to spin? Just tell me how do I step out of the house to exercise when I don't even have the energy or the mood to step out of bed and walk to the toilet? Seriously. I wish all these would just end now so that I won't need to suffer anymore. It is hard. Very very very hard.

2010-12-11T10:35:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I never told you, all I wanted to say.
Now it's too late to hold you. '
Cause you've flown away, so far away.

Never, Had I imagined, yeah, living without your smile.
Feelin' and knowing you hear me.
It keeps me alive. Alive!

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way,
And I know eventually we'll be together.
One sweet day.

Picture a little scene from Heaven.

Darling, I never showed you.
Assumed you'd always be there.
I took your presence for granted.
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared.

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven.
Like so many friends we've lost along the way.
And I know eventually we'll be together.
One sweet day.

Picture a little scene from Heaven.

Although, the sun will never shine the same, I'll
always look to a brighter day.

Yeah, Lord, I know, when I lay me down to sleep,
You'll always listen, as I pray!

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way,
And I know eventually we'll be together.
One sweet day.

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven,
Like so many friends we've lost along the way,
And I know eventually we'll be together.
One sweet day.

Sorry, I Never told you, all I wanted to say

2010-12-10T03:53:00.000-08:00

I've done so much for you since day one. You did a little something for me, I am happy, I am grateful. I said no to your one small request and you said I was unfair. Every time you do something for me, be it small or big, I will just keep quiet and appreciate everything. I always say, "thank you for today." after meeting up with you don't I? Can't you read all these small actions now? You use to be able to read them all so clearly last time. You always tell me that you may seem like you don't know anything but in actual fact, deep down in your heart, you know all the truth, you just don't want to say. Now I don't even know if you know all the truth and just fainting ignorance or you really just can't be bothered anymore.

Remember that night of the bbq, I insisted that I waited for you until you reach home? I was so worried that I didn't even want to leave you for a minute. I was even hesitant to go and take my bath cause I was just afraid that some idiot will take those minutes I take to bathe to do something bad to you. And what do you do? You don't even care, you don't even bother. I board the cab and you assume that I will be fine all the way home? You didn't even bother to either sms me or give me a call (like how you always did) to check if I was alright and if the cabbie was a baddie. All you did was what? Didn't even look back at me when the cab drove off, didn't even bother to sms me and just go straight home to take your nap all the way till now. By the time you've woken up, (if something would have happened to me) I would be dead by now. Then you'll be happy huh?

2010-12-09T07:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes some things can actually scare me. Things like once in awhile, I can suddenly think about things that I shouldn't be thinking at all. And it can actually get pretty scary. I don't want to think about them but they just suddenly pop up in my mind. I shouldn't be thinking about them at all. Sigh. ):

2010-12-04T09:21:00.000-08:00

Just came back from Batam. This is the most relaxing trip ever. On the the first day, something bad happened. We went to habour front in the morning and had breakfast at Macs and happily missed our ferry to batam. So we had to get another boarding time and had to pay the tour additional $5 per head cause they needed to transport us to the place to meet the rest of the tourists. The tour was alright. Just brought us to shops like the Batik shop, and Factory Outlet. I got a Ralph Lauren Polo shirt and got a little miss sunshine jacket. Hehehe. And themn we had lunch at a seafood rrestaurant which was really very filling cause our table only had the four of us and there was like rice, soup, prawn, crab, veggie, gong gong, fried squid. And each dishes' serving was really a lot a lot a lot. After that we went to other places like a temple. After that was 1hr of shopping and went to check in at our hotel at Turi beach. The journey from the mall to the hotel was about half and hour. I fell asleep and it was so cold cause it was raining heavily. When we reach the hotel, my reaction was "woahhhhhhh". It was really very nice and relaxing. We stayed in little huts. Kampong style but with air-con. Lol. The following day was free and easy day. In the morn, we had breakfast and then set off around the beach to take pictures. It was really a wonderful place. I didn't want to go home cause the time spent there really made me forget about the many things tamhat haas happened. Only when I start feeling tired or a little exhausted from climbing up too many stairs or up steep slope then I will get reminded of the things that are happening. When we are approaching Singapore today, I was a little sad. Cause I knew that once I am back, it means that I am back to my original life, which is visitin the hospital every twice a week. I just wish this can all end soon. And if only the three days didn't go by that quickly.

2010-09-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

Another Nightmare.

2010-09-23T17:38:00.000-07:00

This is the second time I am having a nightmare, two nights in a row. The first wasn't much of a nightmare, but because of the person that is in my dream, and his actions, that it became a nightmare.

But the second one which I had just last night was scary. I dreamt that I was with this two other people. A girl and her brother. Apparently, in real life, I don't know who the heck they are.

It started with us walking to an estate, going to someone's house. We were approaching thr lift ready to go up to the house when suddenly there was this huge crowd of people that appeared out of no where wanting to take the lift as well. (Dreams are always weird) And the lift wasn't any ordinary lift. It was like just a platform, with a gate surrounding it. The buttons for the lift wasn't even attached to the lift. So my 'friend' and her brother got onto the lift and the lift just started moving when we haven't even pressed the number. From what I can remember, the lift needed steering at well. -.-

After that we managed to reach her house and we started having fun when we found this stone thingy attached with a note. On the note it says "write down whatever you wish for and it will be granted.". So apparently, my 'friend' went to happily wrote "I wish that we could be in another island." Just that, and all the weirdness happened.

We were zapped into this world. It was still her room but with a little twist. We were all covered in mud and it was raining. I opened my eyes and started screaming my head off. We all did. But somehow, we knew that there was a way out, just that we have to find it. It was something like, "find a door beneath the seabed."

We started digging the muddy ground, and somehow or rather, we got pulled down into a girl's house. Desperate, we wanted to go deeper to find the door. But it was a hard floor, wood. There was a carpet over it. We lifted the carpet and looked at the floor which what looks like windows. We could actually slide the window like floor piece by piece. So we did but gave up when we saw the girl.

She was sitting on her bed. Her curtains were drawn, and her room was pink, very girly. Quite big. Her house was dark. Her room door was open but her air-con was freaking cold. We could tell cause of the smoke coming out of her nostrils when she breathes. But from where we were, we couldn't feel the air-con at all. We started walking towards her.

She looked pretty drugged. Dark eye rings, pale face, skinny, and frail. We went to talk to her about something that i can't remember. But I remember I was like demanding an answer from her. After that I only remembered her telling us about making the air-con super cold to balance body temperature so that the body wouldn't be affected by a drug. She also tols us th

After that, her parents with some other people came in. Apparently, we had to hide so to not get infected, or rather drugged. I wanted to hide under her bed, but there was a clear view of me from the door. So I went to hide under the table away from the door. My 'friend' sat at another table pretending to do work and I forgot where her brother was. When we were waiting for her parents and other people to come in, that girl actually thought us how to press certain places of our faces to go invisible. She also told us that there were hidden cameras around, even in toilet papers.

Eventually her parents and other people came into the room. At first they looked as if they didn't see us. I was scared, so I tried out that invisible thingy but it didn't work. Her father caught my friend, saw her brothrr and then me. They started asking us to put on this huge contact lens thing with different colour liquid. I looked at the girl, she shoke her head, telling me not to put it on. That was the drug she was talking about. I never knew how my friend got away but she was still in the room when her brother and I went to the toilet.

I was telling him that we had to find a way to escape when he kept insisting on just doing what we were told to do. He had two huge contact lenses. One green, the other orange. I had only one and it was blue. He said to just put some of the liquid into our eyes and done. But I didn't want to do it. And I remember telling him to keep watch cause if the hidden cameras around. He happily went to put some liquid into his eyes but I didn't.

Soon enough the drug startes to work on him. He started having wide iris. His white part of the eye were the colours of the contacts. He had strange sharp teeth and wore thick eye liner. -.- I couldn't find his sister anywhere and I was desperate to help him and get out of the island.

After that, the whole scene changed. We were in my current house. My 'friend's' brother was still drugged and he was attacking my cat, in my mother's room! Like literally biting and tryingnto kill her. But I managed to safe her, but she seemed to be in a lot of pain, just lying down, panting, making this weird noise. Then I remembered what the girl saod about making the air-con super cold to balance body temperature. I ran to my mother's room, and my mum woke me up for breakfast. That's all. Weird dream. Hahaha.

2010-09-23T10:13:00.000-07:00

Being brave is not what I want to be. What I want to be is strong. Being strong both physically and mentally.
So what if I am brave? So what if I can take the countless number of times the nurses poke needles and take them out again? So what if I am able to stand the sight of blood oozing into number or different tubes one day before my chemo and so what if I am able to sit in a chair for 4 hours with a needle in my arm? So what if I can handle all these but deep down inside i am weak? How many times have I cried at night just because I do not want to face the next day? How many times have I felt that my body was too weak for me to do anything. How many times have I felt like i am a freaking old and frail 17 yr old girl with bone problems. How many times have I felt constant pain in some parts of my body which feels exactly like bones rubbing against each other but on the other hand, it feels like my veins are the ones that are hurting.

I really want to be strong. I want to be able to sleep through the night not worrying about the next day. Or rather, crying about the next day. I don't want to feel that dreadful feeling whenever the next visit to the hospitL draws nearer. Although it is already like a routine but I just can't seem to find the reason why I am always feeling this way.
I want my body to be strong. I want to be able to lift a box without my hands trembling. Or just pouring water into a cup with ease. I want to be able to climb up stairs like how I used to, sit/squat and stand without the need to go "aiyahh"and look for something to support myself nearby. Or just feeling fine and not like my head is spinning all the time.

Though I know all these will pass, but the time taken for me to recover is still quite far away. I hope and pray that things wouldn't worsen. And I am patiently waiting for my rainbow to appear in my sky that is full of dark clouds with loud thunder and bright scary lightning. God, if it is your will, heal me.

2010-09-21T00:13:00.000-07:00

One song that reflects my mood now is Broken Hearted Girl by Beyonce. It really reflects how I am feeling right now. Sometimes I just wish that you could be there for me. Just give me that little extra bit of attention that I long for.

Sometimes things happens and I question myself whether it'd be different if it all didn't happened. Would I have someone better for me, care for me when I am down, depressed, suffocated, demoralised. I thought I could be strong. I thought I could go on with life be it you having your busy life or not. I thought I could go through this without any problems. I guess I was wrong. There were many times when I needed you. You weren't there. This time I really need you, yet you're still not there. Sometimes I want to ask you, "do you care?" obviously you will say yes. But I don't see or feel it at all.

I guess I am still here. I guess I still love you. But sometimes I just want to let go. But I still love you. I promise myself not to cry anymore. I can't let any other things bring me down. Going through this is tough enough. I don't want to cry over other things. I wish you would show more care.

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love enough to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No...No
No broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken-hearted girl

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No…No
No broken-hearted girl

Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…Oooo
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh

I don’t wanna be without my baby
I don’t wanna a broken heart
Don’t want to take a breath with out my baby
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don’t want a broken heart
I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl No…no…
No broken-hearted girl

2010-09-07T02:49:00.000-07:00

I think I am getting more used to the side effects since it's already my third dose. The doctor told me after my first dose that the side effects after each chemo will be the same. All I will feel is, tired straight after the Chemo, don't feel like eating, don't feel like doing anything, taste buds change, nauseas. Those are the most common ones I have faced so far.

About me feeling sian and all I think it depends on the time of the day and place. Just now I went out with my mother to Bukit Panjang plaza it was really a dread. I just went to NTUC with her to get some groceries and I got so moody after awhile that I just want to go home straight away. The afternoon sun didn't help much either. And the worse part is, I smelt fart twice and I hear a stupid irritating old man fart. -.- And that didn't help much at all! But still, when I am at home, I will keep thinking of going out, places to go, things to look for when I can go out with someone. I really want to leave the house to walk around. Cause staying at home the whole day is really boring! And if I sit down too much not doing anything, I am just gonna be so damn lazy! I wanna exercise but I can't! ): And yayy! I am going with with Lovelove tomorrow and with friends on Thursday! I hope I won't feel as sian as I was today at BBP.

Hurry shift house so I can start on my new jigsaw puzzle! :D
Hurry shift house so I can go brisk walking with my mother at the park that is so damn bloody near our house! :D
Hurry shift house so I don't have to hear the stupid construction downstairs anymore! :D
Hurry shift house cause I find the environment much much more cleaner! :D
But the thing I dread most about shifting house - packing! ): Hahahhaa!

2010-09-02T22:50:00.001-07:00

The part I dread most about Chemotherapy is during the time when I have to sit there for 4 long hours before I can go home. From the start all the way to the end. I dread that the most. First the nurse will have to find my super thin veins and count 1, 2, 3 and poke the needle in. Then she will connect this valve like thing. And start injecting the anti-nausea and vomiting medicine. While injecting, I will try not to think about it, I'll either watch the tv right in front of me or I will just pretend that she isn't there. But the thing is, I can feel the coldness of the medicine going through my veins. I dread sitting there for so long because I will constantly go to the wash room. For some reason. Haha. And the procedure to go to the wash room is really very very very troublesome. I have to push down my chair, stand up and unpluck the pluck from the switch and walk with my machine all the way to the washroom. And another thing about my chemo that I dread the most is, everyone who comes after me, goes home before me. ): Those that came the same time as me leaves before me as well. I was the first one in a room of 6 yesterday. Every single chair around me had been occupied at least once and I was still there. ):

Every time I go home, I will just pray and wish that a miracle will happen that after 4 months when I go for my PET scan, the cancer cells will miraculously go away so that my treatment can be cut short. But I know it's all in God's hands. If it is His will, He will heal me. Or at least just cut short my treatment hours. ): Everybody there were like only there for half an hour to one our? And I am like, 4 HOURS!! ):<>

CRYSTAL! You got to be strong and fight this shit in your body and make everyone around you proud! Be it 6 months of treatment or just 4 months, you still have to fight it no matter what! Once it's all over, you can show the world that you're fine and that you've defeated a damn annoying thing in your life! You got to be strong even if this shit pulls you down to the very bottom! No giving up, I can do it!

2010-09-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

When you get caught in the rain with no where to run

When you're distraught and in pain without anyone

When you keep crying out to be saved but nobody comes

When you feel so far away that you just can't find your way home

You can get there alone

It's okay

When you say

I can make it through the rain

I can stand up once again

On my own and I know

That I'm strong enough to mend

And every time I feel afriad

I hold tighter to my faith

And I live one more day

I can make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down

Don't you dare give in

You will arise safe and sound

So keep pressing on

Step fastly

And you'll find what you need

To prepare

What you say

And when the wind moves

As shadows grow close

Don't be afriad

There's nothing you can't face

And should they tell you

You'll never pull through

Don't hesitate

Stand tall and say

I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE RAIN

I CAN STAND UP ONCE AGAIN

ON MY OWN AND I KNOW

I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO MEND

AND EVERY TIME I FEEL AFRAID

I HOLD TIGHTER TO MY FAITH

AND I LIVE ONE MORE DAY

I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THE RAIN!

2010-08-31T07:08:00.001-07:00

Blog skin changed cause the previous one was screwed.

Sometimes the reaction of someone can change a whole situation. Someone's response to something can be really important. One very good example is one Sunday when I was going to have prayer with my parents. My parents were quarreling. We were about to start the prayer and both of them were still shouting at each other. I got a little upset, I just slammed the book closed and said, "When you all cool down then call me.". I stood up and walked away from the table. Went to my mother's room, started my favourite computer game and started crying. And after that, everything was ok! I hope this house will be peaceful always. (:

After getting my wig, I feel so much better about myself. Like, I don't have to worry whether I should leave my house in a hat or a scarf, or worry about how I am going to tie my scarf. And I won't have to worry a

bout people looking at me. Plus, I really like my wig a lot! :D

Things between Lovelove and I seems to be a little unstable. But in every relationship there is bound to be it's ups and downs. I mean, which couple doesn't quarrel? It through all these quarrels that the relationship becomes stronger and stronger. But today I feel is the best day ever. Lovelove came over to my house in the morning after his teacher's day celeb in school. And he supposedly was suppose to leave and go to his secondary school but he sacrificed and went to the hospital with me. That really made me very happy. Although there was some arguments before leaving the house. Cause apparently, he changed his mind for awhile. But in the end he still went to the docs with me. :D I really really appreciate and cherish today. I will always remember this day. And I am sure there are more of these wonderful days to come. (:

2010-08-30T06:56:00.001-07:00

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

2010-08-28T12:18:00.000-07:00

Wanted to blog yesterday but i couldn't find the time. I think yesterday was the coolest day ever. Morning i woke up, as usual, to the morning alarm downstairs. Went to eat breakfast at Bangkit. Started raining damn heavily. But before that, while we were eating, we heard gun shots. Air rifle. The first thing that came to me and my mother's mind was the attack on news. About the shooting of the people in the tour bus news. Haha. But after awhile, my dad spotted the guy with the air rifle. Just as i turn around to look at him, he shoot again. He was shooting crows. Yups. And then it started raining damn heavily. Honestly, that was ny first time i saw someone shooting birds. Sua ku right? Haha.

After eating we deposited coins into my bank, nothing interesting. On our way home! There was a fallen tree. Scary. That was how heavy the rain was and how strong the wind was. Thankfully nobody got hurt.

And i got a new phone! Samsung Galaxy. :) i heard that it is better than iphone. I feel that the colour is better. The quality is good. But i think the applications are lousy. Like, there is nothing much. Compared to all the fun games iphone have. Yup. Other than that, it is nice. I bought it instead of iphone cause firstly, iphone islandwide no stock. And i thouht that it woukd be better to get something different from other people. I feel that iphone is too common already! And since samsung galaxy is not bad, that's why i got it.

Yayy! I will be meeting lovelove later!! :D gonna sleep now. Damn late! I am such a naughty girl!

2010-08-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't know whether I am too much. Sometimes I feel really bad for getting angry at you. When I was lying on my mother's bed I just kept thinking where were you. The last message I got didn't have much info as to where you were as well. You told me the night before that you will talk to me on your way home. And honestly, I was worried.

After messaging you that you were a liar, I honestly felt bad. But really, I was sad and angry at that point of time. I messaged your friend to ask if you guys were still in school. I even messaged your sister to find out that you were sleeping at home. I was relieved yet angry at the same time. I mean, is it really that hard to at least just tell me that you were on your way home?

I'm sorry and I still love you. Though I feel that I can't fully trust what you say now.

Honestly, am I a bad girlfriend? :/

Sigh, mummy is sick and she is trying so hard to stay away from me. She has flu and she's wearing a mask when she is near me. Even when she is sleeping beside me. ): Apparently she doesn't want to pass her flu bug to me. If not a lot problems will rise. Cause now my body is weak. I hope she will get well soon. Poor mummy. Daddy is sick too! He is the culprit! He passed it to my mother. Hahha. But now he is coughing. No more flu. I hope both of them will get well soon!

I really want to shift out of my current house asap! The construction downstairs is seriously getting on my nerves. Every morning when I want to sleep in, they just have to use that super huge and irritating machine that goes "BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!" Early in the damn morning when I still want to continue sleeping in my comfortable bed! TSK! And the sound will just go on and on and on and on until the late afternoon. -.- Sometimes taking afternoon nap can be hard too. Like, going to fall asleep already, "BANG BANG BANG BANG!" Rahhhh!! Whenever I hear the sound I will feel damn damn tempted to throw a water bomb down. Hahaha! Before I leave this house, I will take picture of that annoying huge machine. And probably throw a water bomb down someday. :D

2010-08-23T07:19:00.000-07:00

Hehe! Went to shave my hair today. Really couldn't stand it falling off anymore. So much hair on my pillow, on the floor and getting all over my towel when I dry my hair. When I wash my hair that's the worst. Like horror movie like that. Tsk. Shaving experience was quite fun. I was excited yet scared at the same time. The hair dresser was damn funny. He kept asking me whether I was sure to shave. My mother kept giving hints to him but I don't know if he knows. But oh well who cares. He even took a picture with me after he was done shaving. He told me that I made him have the urge to shave as well. Haha!

At first I was quite hesitant to take a picture of myself and upload it on Facebook. I was scared of what others will say. But all the comments were really comforting, "you look cute", "you're brave" and much more. I was really happy and it really encouraged me. (:

My daddy came home and I gave him a shock of his life. Hahaha. And he couldn't stop saying how cute I look. hahaha! He even took a picture with me! And my mother keeps calling me rocket! Apparently she forgot to rub my head when I was baby. I was a rocket baby. But oh well. (:

It's really damn cooling now, sitting in my room, typing this post and feeling the air-con run around my head. I still have yet to experience bathing without hair! Haha!

2010-08-22T06:47:00.000-07:00

Last night was one of the very few nights that I felt like everything was crashing down again. I didn't know what to do but just sat on my bed and think about all the negative things that I can ever think of. Like how the next 5 months will past by as slow as a snail and looking at the amount of hair on my bed and in my room floor didn't help much either. It only made me feel more discouraged. It just makes me want to shave off my hair and get it over and done with. I sat on my bed, talked to a number of people. And saw many encouraging words from my friends and my sister. Telling me to be strong and to face this time with courage. I very much want to make the people around me proud of me. I want them to tell me how strong I was at the end of these 5 months. I want to show them that I won't give up easily. I won't let go and get myself discouraged. I want to show people that I am a strong girl. Even though I am just 17 years old, I want to show the whole world that this wouldn't just make my whole life crumble down. Everyone has to go through suffering in their lives, be it a big one or a small one. And we all have to go through our sufferings with strength and courage. We all have to be strong.

I really want to thank everybody who has been with me since the day I found out that I had cancer. I truly believe that with all your encouraging words, I will go through this period with strength. (: Someone once told me, right now I am like running in a race. My friends and family are like the supporters at the grand stand. Cheering me on. "Go, Crystal, Go!" I got to keep going on, face each and every obstacle I face along the way. Jump over the highest hurdle and show everybody that I can do it! I want to make everyone proud of me. I want to overcome this race. If I could, I would give my biggest embrace to everyone out there supporting me by the grand stand. :D I really thank God for all the wonderful angels He has given me. Who stayed by me, who is still staying by me, and I believe will always stay by me. ♥

2010-08-16T10:39:00.001-07:00

Why couldn't we just stayed on the phone in the silence? Must we really hang up just because there was nothing much to talk about? For some reason I just wanted to stay by me. I just wanted you to be there be it talking or keeping quiet. I wanted you to at least be there to comfort me. Through this period of time I really need someone there for me. I just don't understand why. I don't know how you can do that.

Probably I'm expecting too much. I'm sorry.

2010-08-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

It's 3:07am and I am not asleep yet. Why? Cause I am too engrossed with my new itouch. Hahaha. Daddy just bought it for me today. The reason that I want itouch is because I can at least have some entertaiment when I am going through my chemotherapy and at the same tome, not bother or think about the pain. Or rather, hallucinate that there is a pain when there isn't. I'm really happy that daddy bought it for me.

Tomorrow is Monday. Which means it's just another two days away from my second dose. Though I've already gone through it once, I don't know why I still have the scared feeling. I don't even know what I am scared of. I am fine with the pain, I think I am scared about the side effects. Though I roughly know how it's gonna be like, I am still scared that I'll come across something I haven't encounter. But I do hope and trust that God will keep me safe and healthy. I really have to continue to pray for strength.

I'll be a strong girl and go through this period of time. If I don't help myself, nobody can. Not even God.

2010-08-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

Onto the sea
I sailed my boat
And prayed that it
Would stay
afloat

From dawn til dusk
From dusk til dawn
In search of love
I drifted on

What happened then
I don't recall
I think it was
A sudden squall

For when I awoke
I thought I died
At the sight of an angel
At my side

But lucky for me
That was n
ot true
For I found love
And love was you.

- Britney Brundage -

Found this poem while I wasbrowsing through blog skins. I think it's kinda nice. (:

Today was a special day for me. I was happy. I went to school to take graduation pictures. :D I haven't been going to school ever since the week before all my scans and tests started. And I found that that I really miss a lot of my classmates and schoolmates. Spending 5 years with most of them and having so many wonderful memories. I think with them knowing that I have cancer it's really a very shocking news for them.

My classmates were really sweet. They wrote me a get well soon card. With many encouraging words. The card is really something that I will look at every month. Because it's something that motivates me to carry on with my life no matter what happens. Be it good or bad. It gives me the encouragement and strength that I need as well. I'm just a very happy girl today. :D

2010-08-08T08:15:00.000-07:00

As the days go by, I feel like the side effects are going away. But come to think about it, they are like here and there. They come and go. Headaches, sour taste in mouth, tiredness, nausea. Sometimes I feel cold, sometimes I feel extremely warm. Sometimes sleeping in my air-con room can make me feel uncomfortable. One moment I'm cold, the next moment, I'm not. Every night I will wake up in the middle of the night, heavy eyelids, but wide mind. Go to the washroom, come back to my room, sit down for awhile and go back to sleep. Sometimes just trying to sleep is really hard. Have to find the right position, have to make sure my body won't get too warm or cold in the middle of the night. Sometimes I just wish that I won't wake up in the middle of the night around 3-4 plus. But it always happens. Oh well. I really hope I won't have to go through 6 months of chemo. But there's nothing I can do but to just pray and hope in God for a miracle to happen. (:

I don't know what to do now. I don't feel like sleeping yet, but there's nothing else I can do or feel like doing. This feeling sucks. ): And sleeping doesn't mean I will get well faster. Sigh. What to do!!! ):

2010-08-06T08:50:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I really feel like giving up. And thinking that it's only after the first session, it really scares me. 11 more sessions to go. How can I handle it? "God will never test you beyond your strength."

I really hope I can go on with life. I want to be a normal girl again. Not suffering from anything, being able to go out and play, jump around and not feeling like I'm going to die. Have fun with friends, eating all sorts of food that I want to consume. Being able to mingle among crowds, walking and not needing to depend on someone to hold me or feeling so weak.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

Hang in there. Hang in there. Hang in there.

I can do it! I know I can.

2010-08-04T07:15:00.001-07:00

Today was my first Chemo. I took a picture of my left hand. The picture isn't very clear cause my right hand didn't have the strength. I took another picture of the machine but the focus isn't there as well. Hahahahhahahahahaha.

The two purple bags are the medicine. And white bag is the normal drip. Those blue things you see on my arm it's just the valve to stop or let the medicine run.

Enjoy!

I was at NCC at 1030am. Guess what time I could go home? Near 6pm. From 145pm all the way to 6pm, I was stuck to this machine. The only place I could go was to the toilet and back to my place. That's all. The process wasn't as painful as expected. It hurts when the nurse put in the needle. (That's obvious) when I bend my left hand too much, it'd hurt. Other than that, it's fine.

Before they attached the medicines, they injected two medicines in me. Both is to reduce the feel like vomiting and nausea feeling. But I really pray and hope that I wouldn't feel nausea or vomit through this entire period. All I want to get is hair loss. Hahaha. But it's all in God's hands.

First time chemo, half the first cycle gone. Another chemo on the 17th and one cycle is complete. :D I hope time will fly!!

The strength I need has always been here

2010-08-03T09:05:00.000-07:00

I'm scared. I don't want 3/8/10 to end. But it has already went by by 6 mins. There is nothing I can do. I can't turn back time. There isn't a chance for me to regret now. I have no one to blame about my health. This happened for a reason.

I'm scared, I need assurance. But how much can an individual give? This is my battle. I have to fight it until the end. People around me, the angles God has sent are here to give me encouragement. They can only motivate me to fight this battle. They can't fight it for me. I have to do it by myself. Strength is what I need. To face my fears and fight this battle until everything is over, until I win and conquer it all. Who am I fighting? Myself. I am my own enemy. I have to cross every single hurdle in my life now. There is no turning back. I have to go straight once and for all. The angles that God sent are always there for me. But there's a limit to how much they can help me. I have to go all to way, fight all the way. I want to see that rainbow after this long and hard storm.

Dear God,

When I am lonely and perhaps heart broken, let not my ailing heart forget that you my every prayer. Remind me that no matter what I do or fail to do, there is always hope for as long as I have faith in you. Let not my eyes be blinded by some mistakes that I've made, but help me to regret my wrong and make up for it. Grant me the peace and hope that I need, the courage for tomorrow, the strength to stand on my feet.

The Earth overflows with Your kindness, O Lord; teach me Your decrees. ps 119:64

The beauty of the flowers and forest, the beautiful face of a small child, call out to us the Creator God Who loves us and wants to make sure that we are functioning as He created us. Jesus healed all who came to Him and wants to heal us, too.

Touch me, Lord, with Your hand that created so much beauty and goodness. Heal my ears and eyes today, Lord Jesus.

What do chefs do when they're bored?!

2010-07-30T08:53:00.002-07:00

I think these are kinda cute. since my blog has always been about sad things and about life. Well, I hope this would be interesting! :D

2010-07-29T06:33:00.001-07:00

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, ‘You know my parents are forcing me to

get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even

met once.’

We call this arranged marriage. I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t

love… I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.’

The American said, talking about love marriages… I’ll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. ‘After a couple

of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so

my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife’s my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and

so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son.

Now my father’s son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my

own grand father and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family

problems…

The Indian fainted..

2010-07-26T08:49:00.000-07:00

Picture drawn by my sister, Vanessa. (:

"Dear God,

When I am lonely and perhaps heart broken, let not my ailing heart forget that you hear my every prayer.

Remind me that no matter what I do for fail to do, there is always hope for as long as I have faith in you.

Let not my eyes be blinded by some mistakes that I've made, but help me to regret my wrong and make up for it.

Grant me the peace and hope that I need, the courage for tomorrow, the strength to stand on my feet."

Taken from the poster mummy bought for me.

"You can do it"

Words from a clip thingy mummy bought for me.

Drifting, or coming closer

2010-07-21T07:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel that it's better if both just carry on without each other. Sometimes I feel that it's better if we just carry on our lifes like we don't have each other at all. Sometimes I even feel that we don't even have each other.

But on the other hand, I want to carry on with you. I want to be with you until the as long as God knows. I want to be there for you everytime you need me. I want to talk to you everyday. I want to know that I am always in your heart. I want to feel you near me. But sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I just want you to be there for me when I need you. I want you to be there when I cry at night, to be there when I am feeling scared about my next appointment, to be there when I am on my way to the hospital, to be there when I am at home feeling weak and useless. I want you to be the one who messages me about how am I and that everything will be fine, and that you will be the one telling me that if I need anyone to talk to, you will always be there for me. I really want that.

But somehow I know that it is not possible. I know you can't be there as much as I want you to. Because you have your other things to do, other things to care about. Well, I wish you all the very best for you upcoming tests and exams. Call me whenever you want, sms me whenever you want. (:

2010-07-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

Healing Prayers for Every Day

When He saw the crowds, He had compassion on them because they were harassed and helpless like sheep without a shepherd. Mt 9:36

Reflection: When things in life go wrong, sometimes our friends and family turn against us. We feel lost and abandoned. Jesus sees our hurts and trails, and He wants to heal these hurts because of Hid love for His people.

Prayer: Lord, no matter how alone i feel, You are by my side to heal my woundedness and carry my through. People may fail me, but Jesus will never fail me. Thank you, Jesus.

2010-07-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

"Remember that God is near and suffers with you. As the Great Physician, what God wants most is for your spirit to be restored."

"Try not to think of your illness as punishment. If you're having a hard time remembering that God wants you to be well, a spiritual companion or guide may help you redefine your image of a more loving Creator."

"It's understandable to be discouraged about slow or no recovery. Let yourself feel your sadness. Share your thoughts with a caring friend. Hold on to the hope that one day these anxious moments will be only a memory."

"Take heart. When it seems that you'll never get well, ask God's purpose in your suffering. The deepest fulfillment in life comes from surrendering to a Power greater than ourselves. You can find new meaning in life because of this difficult time."

"Thank God for life. Each day is a gift."

Quotes from my get well therapy book. (:

2010-07-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the scary day. Report will be out. I hope I will be fine. Tomorrow is Chinese orals as well. :/ All I can do is pray that everything will be alright and to have the courage to do whatever I have to.

Na na naii

Watch me while I stand here
Watch my feet, my stance, my body language
I’m not someone to be messed with
I’m a fox on a mission
You know you’re challenging the best here

It’s gonna be real hard
But I’m gonna be okay
As long as I try real hard
I’m always gonna find my way
I’ma find my way

Ima stand up like a soldier
Ima get them ‘til it’s over
I’ll keep marching to the beat
‘til there’s bruises on my feet
Now I’m falling to my knees

‘Cause I’m gonna take this all the way
It’s now or never
I’ll break what’s in my way
Ima stand up like a soldier
Tonight I’m gonna take over

Chorus:`Cause I know everything’s gonna be alright
Now you’re standing here right by my side
And we dance on, dance on, we gonna dance on
Ain’t gonna work for life when we know we can dance on

Everything’s gonna be okay
The streets will lighten up our way
So we dance on, dance on, we gonna dance on
Ain’t gonna work for life when we know we can dance on

Not in a million years
Did I think my feet would bring me this far
So much frustration, sleepless nights
Now that I’m in charge
At first no one gave me the time of day
Now I’m left on my own to show the way
My sisters, brothers from other mothers
Can we take this all the way

Could of kicked us to the curb
These days are so hard to get heard
We gonna stand up like a soldier
Take everything we deserve (trust)
At first everyone was cautious
When we brought in something new
But after weeks of practicing
We knew exactly what to do

I’ma stand up like a soldier
I’ma get them ‘til it’s over
I’ll keep marching to the beat
‘til there’s bruises on my feet
Now I’m falling to my knees

‘Cause I’m gonna take this all the way
It’s now or never
I’ll break what’s in my way
Ima stand up like a soldier
Tonight I’m gonna take over

Chorus:‘Cause I know everything’s gonna be alright
Now you’re standing here right by my side
And we dance on, dance on, we gonna dance on
Ain’t gonna work for life when we know we can dance on

Everything’s gonna be okay
The streets will lighten up our way
So we dance on, dance on, we gonna dance on
Ain’t gonna work for life when we know we can dance on

‘Cause I know everything’s gonna be alright
Now you’re standing here right by my side
And we dance on, dance on, we gonna dance on
Ain’t gonna work for life when we know we can dance on

Everything’s gonna be okay
The streets will lighten up our way
So we dance on, dance on, we gonna dance on
Ain’t gonna work for life when we know we can dance on

2010-07-06T07:59:00.000-07:00

7th July.

The trip to the hospital today was really unexpected. I thought I'd just be there to go for consultation. But instead of just consultation, I had a minor surgery as well. The procedure was rather straight forward but I just can't seem to make myself be calm. Throughout the entire surgery my body was tense. Especially both my arms. I kept grabbing onto my surgery suit. Once I tell myself to relax and let go of the grip, my arms will start shaking uncontrollably. I held on so tightly to the gown until my hands were sweaty and felt weird after the surgery. Hahaha.

The funny part was when the doctor said, "Is everything ok? I've already made a small cut."

In my heart I was like, "huh? really?" Cause I couldn't even feel anything.

Until one point when there wasn't enough anesthesia and that was this very very super electrifying pain at the middle part of my neck. Then he gave me more anesthesia. But I still couldn't let go of the gown. Up to the point when he was stitching, my hands were still gripping onto the gown.

9th July

Tomorrow I'm going back to school! Hahahha. I don't want people to ask me questions. ): I'm lazy to tell them what happen to me. Sigh, I'll just see how things goes.

Today I went for my CT scan, which is Computed Tomography. Hahaha. It was as though I was entering a huge Donut Washing Machine thing. Hahaha. Donut because it's the shape of a donut, and washing maching because when the scan starts, something will start spinning very quickly and it sounds like a washing machine. The injection is damn cool. First they had to inject a dye in me. So that when the scan starts, it'd light up my blood vessels. Cool right! When I am lying down ready to get into the donut, they injected another medicine in me. That was even cooler! My whole body started heating up. And I felt like I needed to pee. :/ HAHAHA. But obviously I didn't. But the injection, from the dye to the cool medicine, my hand was painful. Cause the needle was effing huge! Now there's still a visible red dot on my left hand. ): But the whole experience was really fun. :D If I can do it again without the injection, I would. Hehe! :D

The next scary date that I am not look forward to is 13th July. It'd be the follow up of my surgery as well as results of my CT scan. ): I hope everything will be ok with me.

2010-07-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I really wish you would be there for me more often. I don't like looking for other people and telling them how I feel that you don't care. And they will always get the wrong impression that you're a bad boyfriend and you deserve a scolding. It's like, the times when I want you to care, you're not there. ): And during those times, I really need someone to talk to. So I will turn to others. But what to do, I have to accept everything. If not I will not be understand. Not be accepting enough.

But sometimes I really wonder whether you're taking advantage because I am giving you too much space. I was watching this show just now on tv. This girl, she has always been understanding and

Cherish. Appreciate. Understanding. Love. Care. A loving towards her husband. Giving him the space he needs and all. And after that realizing that he cheated on her. I don't want to think too much. But I am really scared. I hope I am still in your heart.

Acceptance. Cherish. Appreciate. Love. Care. Understanding. Assurance.

2010-06-27T06:55:00.001-07:00

Life seems to be different for me now. Everything is changing. People I love are straying further and further away from me. My body is just isn't helping much. Those people that I want to talk to, are not really there whenever I want to talk to them. Those that I don't really want to talk to, they are always there. Pfft. What's this man. ):

I always sound so pathetic. Gosh. I want to get this year over and done with. So many things happened. I just want to let go and just let it pass. I want to runaway and be free. But I know I can't. Everything will start haunting me again. Urrrgggg.

Lump oh lump, please go away.

Lump oh lump, please tell me you're not dangerous.

Lump oh lump, why did you have to appear?

Lump oh lump, I have no choice but to accept whatever you are.

2010-06-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

Dusty bit me twice today. ): Family and I were going out, she was in my mother's room. Wanted to get her house so that we can close the door. She was hiding behind the curtains and I wanted to carry her out but she bit me instead! D: It wasn't painful and I think she was just wanting to play, however getting many smacks from mum and I. :/

I went to so many places today. Spent more than half of the day outside, with my family. However still feeling lonely. Why! So weird! First thing I do everyday and every time I reach home from a place, I'd switch on my laptop or check my msn list or facebook. Don't ask. (:

Weird feeling. But I can't help it. Don't tell me it's going to repeat again. Gosh.

2010-06-09T06:37:00.000-07:00

Today is the first time I saw Dusty sneeze. So cute! Hehe. Twice some more. But I hope she didn't caught a cold from today's bath. :/ I hope she is alright. She has been sleeping a lot recently. ):

Today I am sick. Mummy and Daddy isn't home. Dusty can't look after me. Sigh. Lovelove, where are you when I need you the most? ):

2010-06-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

All this time I felt so lost, lost and needed help

Incomplete, out of reach, alone all by myself

It all becomes so clear, when I see your face

And it's only when you're near, I feel I'm safe

So before we take this road

Before you change my mind

and fill my heart with hope

Help me believe this time

I've been torn apart

Desperately trying to find a way back to my heart

So I can love again

I'm so tired of holding on, so tired of waiting

I need to feel something real, without it breaking

It all becomes so clear, when you touch my hand

And it's only when you're near, I know you understand

So before we take this road

Before you change my mind,

fill my heart with hope,

help me believe this time

I've been torn apart

Desperately trying to find a way back to my heart

So I can love again

There's a fire within me, but I don't know where to stop

There's light beginning

There's a dark kind leaving

There's a hope I'm feeling now

So before we take this road

Before you change my mind

fill my heart with hope

Help me to believe this time

I've been torn apart

Desperately trying to find a way back to my heart

So I can love again

Turn the page to love again

Why can't fairytales happen in real life..

2010-06-03T07:27:00.001-07:00

Honestly, I've seen all these coming. I knew all those feelings I had last year wouldn't last long. I knew I wouldn't stay happy for so long. I knew that one day, nobody would be there for me. I knew that all of it would just be short term. Nevertheless, I still had that short little happy time with my friends, and with You.

One reason why I got Dusty is so that I can keep myself occupied. Be it playing with her or cleaning up her waste. At least I have something to occupy myself other than feeling lonely and not being able to talk to anyone. Gosh, I feel like I am such a loner. Haha.

I just hope all these would end soon.

2010-06-01T08:24:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I find it very hard to talk to you.

Sometimes I find it so hard just to tell you how I feel about things.

Sometimes I even asked myself whether those answers to those questions you asked me are truly the truth from my heart.

Sometimes I find it just so difficult to find someone to be there for me.

Sometimes I feel like I am so alone.

Sometimes I just wish and pray that you'll realize.

But I can't blame you.

I can't blame you for wanting to do well for your future.

I can't blame you cause your Dad scolded you.

I can't blame you that you can't meet me.

I can't blame you that you're tired after a day of hard work.

I can't blame you when you don't sms me and just go to sleep.

I can't blame you when you're so tired until you break your promises.

I can't blame you for leaving me alone.

I can't blame you for letting me cry alone at night.

I can't blame you for all the loneliness I feel at night, or even during the day.

I can't blame you that you have training.

I can't blame you for having long hours in school.

I can't blame you for all these happening. Cause I know that you want good and happy things to happen as well.

But sometimes I just wished you'd be there. To tell me everything is alright.

Someday, I just hope it'd all come true.

I will go on strongly. Right?

2010-05-23T08:15:00.001-07:00

What else can I do other than standing tall and move on with life?

What else can I do other than being strong and smile?

What else can I do other than letting it all go?

What else can I do other than not hurting Nicholas?

What else can I do other than not hurting myself?

What else can I say other than I can make it through the rain?

When you are caught in the rain
With nowere to run
When you’re distraught
And in pai, without anyone and you keep crying out
to be saved, but noboty comes
and you feel so far away

That you just can't find your way home
you can get there alone
it's okay
What you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you’ll find what you need to prevail
What you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And when the wind blows
As shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid
There’s nothing you can’t face
And should they tell you
You’ll never pull through
Don’t hesitate
Stand tall and say I

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I'll make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day, and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You’re gonna make it through the rain.

2010-04-25T08:03:00.000-07:00

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's no doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

Oohhhh ohhohh

The storms of rage are rolling wild and free
Down that highway of regret
The wind of change is blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothing like me yet

There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the end of the earth for you
Make you happy make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

2010-04-23T08:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch him sleeping
He's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would he ever doubt the way I feel
About him in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will he know how much I loved him
Did I try in every way to show him every day
That he's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And he must face this world without me
Is the love I gave him in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much he means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell him how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will he know how much I loved him
Did I try in every way to show him every day
That he's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And he must face this world without me
Is the love I gave him in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

2010-04-22T05:19:00.000-07:00

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm alone with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

2010-04-14T07:58:00.000-07:00

Hey Dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according
To plan?
Do you think I'm wasting
My time doing things I
Wanna do?
But it hurts when you
Disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good
Enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be Perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be Perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be Perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be Perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be Perfect
Now it's just too late
And we can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be Perfect

2010-04-07T07:56:00.000-07:00

What have I actually done to deserve such treatment? I mean, I didn't even do anything and you all are doing this to me. I bet you all don't know that your actions and words are actually hurting me deep down. You all may never read my blog but I am just letting how I feel inside out.

I have a life of my own to lead. I don't have to do what you all tell me to do. I have my own decisions and you all can count me out of your lame ideas. Seriously. Whatever you all do, you all think it's fun and nice. But come to think about it, if it were those you all dislike, would you all actually like the idea? No! You all find it fun, whatever. Just don't force me to make a fool out of myself. Thanks.

Don't ask me what's wrong because you all are the problem. And I seriously don't understand you all. Such two face people. Stop making up stories, and stop exaggerating them, please. Seriously. Most importantly, stop thinking so highly about yourselves. Because all of us are the same! So what if your grades are better than the rest? So what if the rest are noisy and annoying and irritating? That doesn't make you any far better than them because you all are just HEARTLESS!

If I ignore you, don't blame me. So called -------.

2010-04-05T07:19:00.001-07:00

If I could turn back time, there would be so many things that I will change. Things that I will do and things that I will not do. If I were given the choice whether I would want to be born to this Earth, that would be a Yes. This family, Yes. My life, there are things that I would want to change. I mean, who wouldn't want to turn back time and make all the wrong right. We make decisions every single day of our lives. Be it from whether you should eat breakfast to what socks you should wear.

If you were to ask me what is the most major thing that I would want to change? It would be *something* that hurt me deep deep deep down emotionally. *Something* that actually changed my life since I was a little girl. Made me have a total different impression of other people. People around me, the people who loves me. I would choose for that not to happen. Not to be so weak. Not to get sick at that point of time and let the *something* happen to me. Seriously. Lovelove knows what I am talking about. (:

But what has happened cannot be undone. And it all happened for a reason. Up till today I haven't changed my mindset about the thing that changed me. I hope I will be able to do it. Lovelove, help me?

2010-04-02T09:34:00.000-07:00

I know I am not a holy girl. But going to mass twice a week, and listening to praise and worship songs doesn't make a a super freaking holy girl. Because honestly, I am still those catholics that look for God only at the lowest point of life. When something good comes, I take awhile to realize that it's from God and then I will thank Him. If not, I just won't thank Him at all. But I still believe in Him. That He is working in each and everyone of our lives. And most importantly, God provides! :D

This years Easter will be different. In terms of meaning.

I thought this year's easter was a total disaster. But when things starts to set into place about why this and that happened, I realized that it's all for my own good and it's God helping me. It really brings back memories from Confirmation Camp. During healing sessions. I think God is really wonderful. (:

I really wanna have a better relationship with daddy. I don't want to always get so damn irritated with him easily. In the past, daddy and I use to be in a good relationship. He always asks me for kisses and I will just willingly give. Now it's like the I-am-a-big-girl-already kinda thing. But I still want to have the close relationship we used to have. I remember when I use to get easily irritated by him and I think daddy realized. One day he actually asked me, "You like daddy or mummy more?" I seriously didn't know how to reply him. Then he added, "mummy right?" I just stood there and kept quiet. I mean like, how do you want me to answer that question? And honestly, at that point of time, in my heart, the answer was actually "mummy".

But thinking back, I know I am wrong. Like c'mon lah, he is still my daddy right. I mean, there is no other dad in the world that can replace him. Seriously. Though he has his bad temper, impatient, never thinks before he speaks, or feels that he knows a lot when he knows just 5-10% of it, he is still my daddy. Those are his bad points. Everyone has their good and bad points. And it's kinda common sense that if you do something wrong, there goes the red daddy. My daddy is crazy at times. Like pulling up his pants all the way to his waist and doing a funny side to side dance. Or sliding on the living floor with the wet cloth, or just making funny faces, funny sounds and all sorts of funny things.

Truth is, I really love daddy. (: And I really regret for treating him so bad. He has been working for my family since I have seriously no idea when. From a taxi driver to a technician worker. Those aren't two very good jobs but my daddy is strong enough to persevere through hard times. Often coming home to complain about stupid irritating supervisor. I really don't know what pushes him on. But my daddy is the greatest of all. Love his long and loud farts! :/ HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

2010-04-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

I never remember going to mass on Holy Thursday. I only remember going to mass on Good Friday. This year I went alone and somehow just got touched. The Homily was great. As in, really. Accepting someone for who he/she is, that's true love. Not changing someone to the one you want him/her to be. But accepting and loving him/her for who they are. That was the thing that really catches my attention. Oh, and another one. Don't make use of your spouse and don't make your spouse feel that you're treating them dirty-ly. Other than that, I was looking at the small indian children running around and getting fascinated cause I wasn't irritated at all.

The church had a very strong incense smell that really made me feel very comfortable. It's the familiar smell that I've always knew. Tomorrow is Good Friday, and then Easter. Just how fast time flies. One year is over and gone. Gosh.

Saw people that reminded me of the past. But didn't let it affect me. What for live in the past? Right? Hahaha. Oh well. (:

I don't want to take medicines anymore. But I know someone will scold me. Hahahahahhaa.

2010-03-29T06:47:00.000-07:00

Time passes really very quickly. Before you know it, 5 or 10 years just passed by. It's really scary how time flies. And I am already 17 this year! :O But there is one thing that everyone has to bear in mind; time doesn't wait for anybody.

I really don't like it when people make it sound that someone can change into a whole new different person over night. I mean, if you want someone to change, or if someone wants to change, that person definitely needs time right. Oh well.

At that very moment when I thought that we were ending, I was really very scared. And I really thought you didn't care. You didn't seem affected at all. When I was just sitting on my sofa, trying to watch tv but crying at the same time. At that point of time I was lost. I didn't know what to do. I know I didn't want to just end it like that. But all I know in my heart was something needs to be done, this cannot go on. And since we're alright now, I really hope it'd continue staying this way. It seems so long. But we're only at our fourth month. Hahaha.

It's been so long since we took the time
to share words from deep inside us
We're in our own world spinning our wheels
but you know how I feel

Well since the first time I took your hand
my love for you has just been growing
You always seem to understand
You know how I am

I'm gonna love you til the end
I'm gonna be your very true friend
I wanna share your ups and downs
I'm gonna be around

When you're alone and I'm away
don't be sad don't be afraid
I'm gonna turn my thoughts to you
like I always do

Catch you when you fall
Hold you when you're down
Sharing every moment
I wanna show you all I do
I believe I've found a miracle in you

2010-03-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

It's times like this when I feel sad and lonely. It's times like this when I miss you and think about you. It's times like this when I think about so much things that I feel like I am going crazy. What is this feeling? What does this all mean?

Do I regret, or am I just feeling this way because there is no shoulder to rest my head on. What am I suppose to do. Why am I feeling this way. I hate you. Really I do.